The call
by livsgirl
Summary: I had spent a many of days and nights with my heart leaping into my throat every time the phone rang. Less than twenty minutes prior I received the call that I always feared would come, except it came at a time when I didn't have to worry about you.
1. Chapter 1

My heart is pounding so loudly that I'm sure everyone in the room can hear it as I rush up to the desk. I had spent a many of days and nights with my heart leaping into my throat every time the phone rang. Less than twenty minutes prior I received the call that I always feared would come, except it came at a time when I didn't have to worry about you.

I am rushed through the ER to your room. They are briefing me on what has happened and what to expect when we arrive there. Apparently you lost control of the car and went down an embankment and struck a tree. The impact was solely on the driver side but was there was so much force behind it that it spun the car around and impacted a second time. The force of the impact caused the car to almost fold in two and required the Jaws of Life to remove you. .

"Mrs. Benson" The doctor said pulling me from my thoughts.

Mrs. Benson is a name I haven't heard in a while and one that I thought I would never hear again. What no one knows is that we are separated and have been for the last year and a half. There are divorce paper's drawn up to end our marriage but neither one of us can seem to sign them. But I know, even though it kills me, that you are seeing someone else the same as me.

As the doctor opens the curtain to allow me into your room I feel my breath leave my body and it takes all I have not to hit the floor. Your once beautiful face is swollen and full of cuts. There is dried blood in your hair and shards of glass sticking out of your skin all over. There is gauze under your neck where you are bleeding and a brace is on your neck to keep you immobile.

The only sounds that fill the room, besides my sob that I am choking back, is the constant beeping of the machines constantly checking your vitals. A few times you cry out and your voice is so full of pain that it shatters my already broken heart. I have seen you shot, stabbed, beaten, and almost raped and have never heard the sounds that I hear now. Even the night I admitted I was having an affair and you broke down you never sounded like this.

As a nurse enters the room you began to fight. You have an unnatural fear of strangers that has only intensified over the years with the job. Today when simply wearing a badge makes you a target it's a valid fear and one that has saved you more times than either of us will ever admit. I quickly rush to your side hoping that I can calm you before you cause even more damage.

"Shhh" I whisper as I reach out and carefully take your hand in mine "It's only a nurse.'

"Let me out of here" You cry as you try to move off the bed.

I rub my thumb across your hand in a comforting manner and I'm thankful that it sooths you. You have always had a fear of hospitals that has stemmed from your child hood. Your mother was an alcoholic that drank to forget the reason for your existence. You have told me numerous stories of how you had come home from school or a night out to find your mother passed out and covered in vomit. How, as a young girl, you spent more times than anyone, especially a child, pacing the ER waiting room praying that this wouldn't be the end.

It is after your second heart wrenching cry that I scream for a nurse to give you something for the pain. They tell me that nothing has been ordered because they are waiting on the results of the CAT scan. They are terrified that there is a head injury and if they give you something they could possibly cause irreparable damage.

I clench my fist and feel my nails dig into my hand as I fight the urge to reach across and knock this little bitch into the wall. How can she stand there and watch you in pain without caring is beyond me. Even though we are separated I still love you with all my heart and I never want to see you in pain. If I could swap places with you I would just to spare you the pain, lord knows I have caused you enough already.

"Alex"

My head snaps toward the bed and I see your right eye darting around as if trying to find me. I rush to your side once again and lean over so you can see me..

"I'm sorry" you choke out as a tear falls from your eye.

I struggle to smile without breaking down as I run my fingers through your hair. I feel a piece of glass cut my palm but I don't care. The only thing that matters is you. As I tell you that there is nothing to worry about a young woman with long brown hair slightly lighter than yours walks into the room. At first I think she is another nurse or even possibly a doctor until she begins to cry and rushes to your side.

That when it hits me.

This is your girlfriend.

The woman, whose arms I sent you running to.

The woman, who I want to kill with my bare hands but I can't because every bit of this is my fault.

So I do the only thing I can do. I release your hand and start to walk away. I know I am still legally your wife but I don't deserve to be here. I ruined that that fateful night. I'm almost to the door when I hear you call my name. I turn around in time to see you trying to sit up and her pushing on your shoulders ordering you to stop it in a harsh voice. Before I can even make it back to you she is calling a nurse and demanding that you be restrained to the bed.

That is when I lose it.

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE." I say in the most controlled voice I can manage through clenched teeth "You never restrain an officer's hands, especially hers."

"I don't know why you're even here." She states standing her ground "You cheated on her remember."

The words hit me like a sucker punch to my gut. I know she's right and I should be the one walking away but I refuse to allow her to restrain you. Since your attempted rape you can't stand anything that confines your wrists or movements. It reminds you of being handcuffed in the basement of Sealview.

I reach out and take your hand and gently caress it, instantly calming you. I won't lie there is a piece of me that breathes a sigh of relief knowing I have a more calming effect on you than she does. Once I know you will not try to get off the gurney again I glare at her.

"We may be separated but I am still legally her wife. By the simple fact that you do not know to never restrain her wrists tells me you are nothing more than a piece of ass. Any and all decisions about her care will be my decision, not yours, not ours, Mine."

She looks shocked that I would talk to her in such a way, but I no longer care. The one thing I have realized standing there holding your bloodied hand and staring at your bruised face is that I love you more than life itself. I will walk through hell and back to beg for your forgiveness for my one night of pure stupidity.

"What happened?" I hear you ask pulling my eyes from the woman across from me and back down to you. Every time I look at your face I want to cry but I know if I did it will cause you even more distress.

"You were in a bad accident" I whisper as I quickly motion with my eyes for the other woman to leave. No one will understand how thankful I am when she walks out without any more arguments. "You went down an embankment and hit a tree." I see the terror in your eyes as you realize that you could have hurt someone "Honey it was only you involved in the accident." You instantly relax hearing that information and close your eyes.

I start to release your hand so I can find a doctor but you grip it so tightly I fear you are cutting off circulation. I pull the chair over closer to the bed and just as I go to sit down the doctor comes in.

"Mrs. Benson?" He asks as he pulls the curtain closed behind him.

I swallow past the lump that is quickly forming in my throat from the look on his face. Closing my eyes I stand straighter never once releasing her hand.

"I'm her wife, Alex."

He smiles kindly at me as he takes a deep breath "She has multiple fractures to the face and her jaw is broken in two places. Her chest is severely bruised and she has a total of nine broken ribs. At this time there is no bleeding on the brain or swelling of the brain which is great. There is a chance that her brain is bruised but that will heal. We have a plastic surgeon coming in to perform her surgery and an oral surgeon as well that will wire her jaw shut."

I quickly cover my mouth again and bite my lower lip. There is nothing I want more than to scream and yell how unfair this is. This woman, this beautiful woman, had already been through so much in her life and now this. She didn't deserve this.

I do.

I deserved all her pain and then some.

I feel a squeeze of my hand and glance down at Olivia. She is trying her best to smile at me and gives me a wink with her right eye. I couldn't help but smile and laugh slightly seeing this. Only Olivia would be on her death bed and try to make me smile and not worry.

"It'll be fine I promise." I whispered hoping that she couldn't hear the fear in my voice but I knew she could. I could tell it with the way that she looked at me. She was always able to read me before we started dating and became even better at it afterwards.

"Please don't leave me" she pleaded with me as she once again struggled to sit up.

Her pleas shatter any resolve I have of not breaking down in front of her.

"I'm sorry, Alex." She cries as she tries her best to get to me. "I'm sorry"

"No baby, lay still before you cause more damage." I whisper as I coach her once again to lay down and be still. I stare into her brown orb that is so full of pain, not only from the accident but what I have put her through, that I want to kill myself.

Before I can say anything else the curtain is jerked back and there is a team of nurses there ready to roll you away. The quickness of the surgery terrifies me and I can't help but wonder if they aren't telling me something.

I jog beside your gurney as they rush you down the hall before they stop and tell me that I can't go any farther. I nod in understanding as I lean down and place a kiss on your forehead before the doors open and you are once again ripped from me.

Your pain filled cries for me to come with you is my ultimate undoing in all this. That is the sound that I know will haunt me for the rest of my life. It is also the sound that has made me determined to right what I have wronged and be with the woman who holds my heart.

* * *

 **The basis of this story comes from an experience I had over the weekend. I had a former co-worker that was involved in an accident as described. Him and his wife are currently separated and have both been seeing other people. I decided to write our two ladies as what happened between my brother in blue and his family. I know some are pissed about them being apart but like I told his wife. This is the chance for them to make it right.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I know my updates have been sporadic to say the least. I promise you I have not forgotten or given up on any of them. Life has just decided to rear its head and get in the way. I have recently started a new job and placed back on rookie status. I can't even begin to describe how strange it feels to have to follow someone around that has only 4 years experience in a uniform and to top it off I'm almost old enough to be her mother. Talk about full circle. I will go ahead and give everyone the warning starting in Jan. I will be starting college as well. Time to finish out that Bachelors, especially since it comes with a nice pay raise and bigger advancement opportunities. I'm not an officer who will sit at the bottom of the pole to long.**

 **I know some wasn't too happy with the cheating aspect of this story but in the real world Officers have some of the highest infidelities rate there is. Let's face facts our jobs takes us away from our families and the craving of another human's touch is something that we all want no matter how long we try to deny it. And this is based off my buddy who was in the accident. I am happy to say he is healing quite nicely and him and his wife are actually sitting and talking things out. I hate that it took something this drastic to open their eyes but sometimes our worlds need to be shook to realize what we have.**

* * *

I sit here and stare at the bleak walls of the waiting room I have been shown. The depressing and somber atmosphere matches my mood perfectly. It's a mood I've maintained for the last year and a half not something that has occurred because of tonight's events. If anything, tonight's events have only worsened my mood.

A noise to my right catches my attention and I turn to see a young blonde in scrubs walking into the room to talk to another family. It doesn't escape my attention that she's your type and if you had been sitting by me you would have been checking her out. You always did have a weakness for blondes.

I couldn't help but laugh to myself as I realize that for as much as you always looked at other women I never once questioned or doubted your faithfulness to me. People would always ask why wasn't I worried or why didn't I say something to you about it. I never saw a point when I knew without a doubt that you would never jeopardize or ruin what we had. It's ironic that I, the one who never looked at another woman, was the one who ended up destroying our marriage.

I lean my head back against the wall and close my eyes. I allow my mind to once again to drift to the night I broke your heart in a way I never thought would happen.

"Want to tell me why the long face?"

"Rough week at the office" I answer as I look up into a pair of steel gray eyes. The way they bored into me was almost like they were trying to see deep into my soul.

"How about you let me buy you another drink" She says as she leans forward and brushes my hair behind my ears.

I knew the second she brushed my hair back I should have paid my tab and left but instead I smiled and motioned for the bartender to bring me another Gin and Tonic.

We spent the next couple of hours laughing and talking about anything and everything over drinks. When they announced closing time she offered to walk me home. I had told her thank you but you were waiting at home for me. That was when she stepped closer to me and offered to rent us a room for the night.

I started to decline and go home but there was something in the way she was looking at me. I just couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to have her fuck me. So I looped my arm through hers and allowed her to lead the way.

It wasn't until I was on the bed with my back arched up as she pushed two fingers deep into me that I realized the full weight of my mistake. I dressed as quickly and quietly as I could and left with tears streaming down my face.

I breathe a sigh of relief when I get home and realized that you were still at the precinct. I shed my clothes and jumped into a shower so hot that it burned my skin. Even after my shower I can still fell her on me and smell her. I know the second you come home you will too but you don't.

It's almost a month before I can't take it anymore and confess everything too you. When I tell you that I allowed a complete stranger not only buy me several drinks but take me back to a motel room all you do is sit there.

You sit there and stare at the ground unable to look at me as I tell you I have slept with a total stranger. Without raising your head you ask me why and I can't answer that question without breaking your heart.

How do I tell you that I slept with this woman because I craved the touch of another person? That no matter how much I understand your dedication to your work that I need and want you home. That I hate myself for wanting to ask you to choose between the job you were born to do and me.

I can't tell you any of that so instead I lie. I tell you the excuse that has been going around since the beginning of time; that it was a one night stand that happened after too many drinks. It meant nothing, which is ironically the truth. She meant nothing to me.

You raise your head slowly and stare deep into my eyes. I can tell that you don't believe me and you know I'm lying. A part of me hopes that you will stand up and yell at me, hell maybe even raise your hand as if to strike me but I know you won't.

"I love you Alex" You say as you stand tears pouring down your face. When you continue to speak I can hear the pain in your voice "If you weren't happy you could have just told me. I would never force you to stay. Your happiness is the most important thing to me and you should have known that."

Hearing those words cause me to fall to the ground and sob uncontrollably. I start to curl up into a tight ball when I feel strong arms wrap around me and lift me off the ground. I open my eyes to see yours staring at me. You carry me to the couch and gently set me down. Your care and concern is more than I deserve and I have to fight the urge to reach forward and pull your gun from your hip. I have never wanted to kill myself as badly as I do now.

"I'm going to pack a bag and leave" You tell me as you brush my hair from my eyes. "I'll be at the precinct tonight and from there I don't know. I can't be in the same house with you at the moment, I'm sorry."

I nod in understanding even though I don't understand why you are leaving. I'm the one who cheated, the one who broke our vows not you. I should be the one tossed out on the street not you, even though this is my apartment. I deserve to be sleeping on the streets with the trash because that's what I am, trash.

"Alex" you call my name as you stand at the door no longer able to look at me and I don't blame you. Hell, I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror "I'm sorry I pushed you to someone else's arms."

With those final words you walked out of my life.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So I sit down open up Microsoft Office with every intention of writing on Upside Down Pineapples since I've had the next chapter swirling around in my head. Instead as soon as it's open my mind goes blank and this pops into my head. I would greatly appreciate it if my muse would work with me and allow me to update both Upside Down Pineapples and Private Dancer but she's not. Hopefully soon she will cooperate with me especially since I have a nice surprise for everyone in Private Dancer.**

* * *

"Alex"

I internally cringe at the sound of the voice I know all too well that pulls me from my thoughts. I would never admit this to him or Olivia but there were times I was terrified of him when I was their ADA. Between his temper and anger there were times I thought he would snap and hurt me when I refused a warrant or ordered them to let a suspect go. On the other hand I was always thankful for his anger and temper when he turned it on a suspect that had hurt Olivia.

Taking a slow deep breath in and exhaling it just as slow I open my eyes and connect with his. There was no denying the anger that was swirling around in his eyes. The clenching and releasing of his jaw tells me that if he could he would toss me out of the hospital he would. It also tells me that he knows the truth on everything.

That doesn't surprise me. He is your partner and the only family that you have left. There is no doubt in my mind that you have spent a many of nights at his house crying. That was until you found her which I'm sure he introduced you to.

"Stabler." I finally say unsure of what else to say at that moment.

He glances around the room and then back to me. I know you want to say something but you won't out of respect for Olivia. She's probably told you to keep your mouth shut or she would kill you. The thing is when it comes to me we both know she would do just that.

"They notified Cragen who called me" Stabler stated as he exhaled slowly. It's obvious that you are trying your best not to lose your temper. "Everyone else is on their way in."

I give him a tight smile and motion for him to take a seat. He looks around once again before taking a seat.

"Do we know what happened?" He asks after what seems like eternity.

"They say she lost control of her car and went down an embankment. She struck a tree on the driver's side with such force that it spun the car around and struck the tree again. They had to cut her out and fly her in here."

"Her injuries?"

I take a shaky breath in before continuing. "They rushed her into surgery about" I glance at my watch "an hour ago. She has multiple facial fractures and her jaw is broken in two places. There was no bleeding on the brain or swelling but it is a possibility of some bruising that will heal."

"Surgery will be how long?" He asks as he pulls his phone from his side and looks at the screen.

"It depends on the extent of her injuries but the nurse who showed me to the waiting room said we were looking at minimum four hours."

Out of the corner of my eye I can see him nod and look around once again. I can't help think that you seem nervous. An oddity considering your well trained at hiding your emotions and feelings.

"What is it?" I finally ask after watching him fidget. I know he's fighting the urge to say something and its starting to get on my nerves

"Look Alex," Elliot stands and paces back and forth for a minute before turning to face me "I know what happened and that you two have been keeping up for appearances sake."

I hang my head in shame. I swore to him when I started dating Olivia that I would never hurt her and again when she asked me to marry her and he voiced his concerns with me.

"You know as well as I do that Olivia has been dating someone else."

My jaw clenches at the mention of the woman I sent packing earlier "I know"

Elliot takes a deep breath in and out "She has a right to know that Olivia is in the hospital."

I rub my hands together as I slowly look up at him. I bite my lower lip as I try to think of a way to tell him that I sent the woman away.

Elliot stops pacing and looks at me and I can tell he knows I have sent her away. Just like Olivia he can read me and know that I turned her away for a reason. He knows that even though it kills me I would not have sent her packing without a valid reason.

"She was demanding the nurse to tie her down to the bed." I explain seeing the questioning look in his eyes. He has a right to know. After all he was probably the one that set her up with her and he should know what type of person she is.

"I think it's no secret that I hate you for what you have done to her."

I turn my head away and quickly wipe the tears that have started to fall. What no one realizes is I hate myself just as much if not more so and there's not a day goes by that I don't lecture myself over what I have done. I'm barely hanging on by a thread right now and to hear him lecture me will probably cause me to lose it.

"With that being said you need to know something" He says as he drops to his knees in front of me and take my hands in his "The one thing that has never changed is her love for you."

I jerk my head around and stare at him with shock in my eyes.

"She loves you Alex." He continues "She has told me time and time again that if you two could work it out she would drop Rebecca in a heartbeat and do so."

I can't stop the tears that are pouring from my eyes and I raise my left hand to cover my mouth when a reflection catches my eyes. It's the light bouncing off my wedding set, something that I have never and will never take off.

"Use this accident as an eye opener" I hear as I continue to stare at my hand. It is almost as if its calling t me in a way it has never done before "I know neither of you are very religious but take it as a sign from god for you both to work everything out. Maybe this is what you both need to fix what is broken."

I finally tear my eyes from my rings and look at him. I can't believe I'm hearing what I've just heard from him. He was the last person on earth I ever thought would tell me to use this accident to make everything right. To be honest I'm surprised he hasn't encouraged Olivia to file for divorce by now.

"I may hate you for what you've done to her but you make her happy" he says answering my unspoken question of why is he telling me this "The one thing that we have in common is we both want Olivia happy. For whatever reason, no matter what you do, you make her happy. Look at it like this at least with her jaw wired shut she can't argue with you."

I can't help but laugh through my tears. If he only knew that throughout the entire separation she has never once argued with me or fought me on anything. Not even on the night I destroyed her and deserved to have her yelling at me or arguing with me.

But I do know he's right on one thing, well actually two, you still love me and that this accident is a chance for us to salvage what we had. More accurately put it's a chance for me to get on my hands and knees and beg for a second chance. For the first time since that cold night I smile, I truly smile because that's exactly what I'm going to do.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I have not forgotten about this story or Upside Down Pineapples. I just have to go with the muse who was focused on memorizing a new set of SOP's and can now get back to the important things, like writing again. Since the muse has really kicked in hopefully the updates won't be so sporadic. I can't promise anything though. Just know that I will finish every story that I write no matter how long it takes.**

 **From here on out there will be chapters written in each woman's point of view not just Alex's like I started with.**

* * *

I feel as if I have been hit by a semi as I start to wake up. I lie there and try to recall who the perp that I fought was but I can't. Getting frustrated and annoyed with the constant beeping that I hear I start to sit up when I hear a soothing voice trying to keep me still. It is the voice that has haunted my dreams for the last year and a half but this time its filled with pain.

I relax and let Alex's voice sooth me as I start to remember the last time I had heard so much pain in a voice that was always angelic to me. It was the night she sat in our living room and told me about her affair. I wouldn't really call it an affair, it was more a one night stand with a woman whose name she doesn't know and never knew. I won't lie and say it didn't hurt me to know she had been with some else because it did. It shattered my heart in a way I never knew was possible. What really hurt me was when I sat there and watched her lie to me.

I had asked why did she sleep with a stranger and she tells me that she was too drunk to know what she was doing. She knew what she was doing and why she was doing it the same as I did. I was never home enough and when I was I could be distant. She wanted me home more but would never ask it of me so she spent more nights than any woman should alone. The saddest of that is that some of those nights that she felt so alone I was with in arms reach or was holding.

It was a hazard of the job and a trait I learned years earlier to deal with my lonely nights and ghosts. I'm a detective with the New York Police Department in a unit that is called the Special Victims Unit. Only a daily basis I hear and see the trauma of sexual sadists and child molesters. Sometimes the victims are lucky enough to be killed by their attacker and other times they are not. To see their pain filled eyes day in and day out is what tears me up. Those were the ones, the live victims that would keep me up at night. They were why I was distant at home.

I tried my best to change when I started dating Alex and I could see that it was truly going somewhere but I couldn't. Years of shutting myself off or just lying and saying everything was ok was engrained in me. Even though in the beginning Alex was our ADA and saw what I saw I still had the urge to protect her from my world. It was that urge that ultimately destroyed what I know was and will always be the love of my life.

Realizing that no matter how much I lay there and reminisce about the past I had to get my day started. I go to yawn and realize I can't. The more I try to open my jaw the more pain I am in and I cry out without realizing.

"Liv relax" I hear Alex say again as I feel her gently run her fingers through my hair.

I open my eyes slowly and quickly shut them to the blinding light and groan.

"Turn the lights off" I hear her order someone and within seconds I hear the click of the light switch.

I once again go to open my eyes and I am thankful that the lights are off. The first thing I realize is that the ceiling I am looking at is not the cribs or Rebecca's, the woman I have been seeing. Instead it reminds me of a hospital ceilings. It is then that I realize the steady beeping that I was thinking was my alarm was actually machines registering my heartrate, BP, and breathing. Whoever attacked me had managed to place me in the hospital and it was obviously bad enough to notify Alex.

"Hey partner" I hear and look to my left and see my partner and best friend, Elliot Stabler.

That tells me that whatever has happened to me was close to death. I say that because not only are Alex and Stabler within reach and being civil but because he has notified Alex.

I go to open my mouth and cry out in pain once again.

"Your mouth is wired shut" Alex tells me as I turn to look at her and see the tears forming in her eyes. Even though she has hurt me in the worst imaginable way it destroys me to see her cry. I reach for her and she quickly takes my hand and place it back by my side. I should have known better than to reach for her. She no longer wants me or desires my touch. We have divorce papers drawn up and have discussed how to dissolve our marriage but neither one of us has signed them.

I don't want her to see the pain of her rejection so I look away and stare at a spot on the wall.

"I'm not refusing your touch" she whispers to me as she tries to coax me into looking at her but I refuse

It hurts me even more that she can still read me like a book. Hell she reads me even better than Rebecca and I've been sharing a bed with her for the last few months. Then again something tells me that she will always read me better than anyone else and that thought hurts me more than it should. I guess mainly because I know she is my soulmate.

"You have broken ribs and the doctor wants you to remain as still as possible." She informs me "You have also had reconstructive surgery on your face as well. They had to completely rebuild your sinus cavity, place a plate at the bottom of your left eye and place some mesh along with a plate on the bottom of your right eye. We won't know for a few days if there is any damage to the vision in your right eye. We have to wait for the swelling to go down."

My eyes dart around the room in search of a mirror but I don't see one.

"Here" Alex states as she reaches in her purse and pulls out her little hand held mirror.

I take it from her and hold it up to see what she is talking about. I drop the mirror and sob when I see my face. There are cuts on my face that required stitching, my right eye is so swollen and bruised I think I have fought Mike Tyson.

"We'll get through this." She tells me as she places a kiss on my hand.

Her words and actions shock me so much that I jerk in response. It's not that I don't want her touch. God do I want her touch. There are times that I imagine its her touching me when it's really Rebecca just so I can get off during sex.

That's when it hits me. Rebecca isn't in the room and there are no traces of her ever being here. She isn't standing by my bedside in crumpled clothes and with exhausted eyes. It's not her overnight bag that I see over by the window.

It's Alex's.

Alex is the one standing by my side in my darkest hour. It's Alex shinning the light so that I can see when I think everything is over. It's Alex who, despite being separated from me for so long, has said 'we'll get through this'. I know without a doubt it will be Alex by my side through every painful step of recovery.

The question that is going through my mind as I lay back and close my eyes is will she stay afterwards or will she leave once I am healed. I don't know and I'm not sure which one of those I want.


	5. Chapter 5

I'm going through several case files when I hear you start to stir again. You are in and out of conscious because of the pain meds they have you on. Each time you wake up I have to inform you of what has happened and each time I do, a little piece of me dies. I set my files to the side and stand so that you can see me in hopes of avoiding you panicking like you did last time.

I gingerly reach out and take your hand in mine. The once strong fingers seem almost frail to me. Your olive tone skin seems almost as pale as mine. When you finally stop moving in your sleep I place your hand back on the bed and turn back toward my chair. I'm only a step away from the bed when I hear you cry out for Rebecca.

I drop to my knees and bite the back of my hand to keep from crying out loud. If I thought seeing her in person was bad hearing you cry for her is even worse. It is then that I decide to be the bigger woman. I retrieve the bag of your belongings and search for your phone.

My hands are shaking as I power it on. As the screen lights up I'm prepared to see a photo of you and her together. Maybe some picture of you kissing her as she snaps a photo or maybe one with your arms around her smiling.

But it's not a picture of you and her I see

It's a picture of us.

Our wedding day to be exact.

I wasn't prepare for that and it takes my breath away.

It's not until I hear your voice that I realize you are awake and watching me.

"You were so beautiful" you say through clenched teeth.

I look up suddenly and the tears falls from my eyes. I see a flash of pain in your eyes and your face contorts with concern and pain. You don't need this right now or ever for that matter. It almost seems as if whatever I try to do to help you I end up causing you even more pain. I close my eyes and try my best to reign my emotions in.

"You were calling out for Rebecca" I say my voice cracking at the mention of her name. For some unknown reason I feel as if I have to explain why I not only have your phone but why I was about to call her. "I was going to find her number and call her for you."

I've never had to explain my actions before but now I feel the need to explain why I even pick up your hospital gown. It's not as if you ask me my every move because you don't, not even with your eyes. In truth the rare times you are awake and somewhat lucid you barely look at me or talk to me.

"I'm sorry" you mumble as you look away once again.

I have no clue why you are apologizing to me. You have nothing to be sorry for. Although I on the other hand should be sorry for my very existence in your life.

I stand on shaking legs and slowly make my way to the bed. I swallow past the lump in my throat and force myself to take a deep breath.

"You have nothing to be sorry about." I finally force myself to say in the steadiest voice I can muster. I on the other hand have more to apologize for than any one person. "You are with her now and would like to see her." I close my eyes so that you can't see the pain in my eyes even though I know you can hear it in my voice. "I understand and respect that."

I place the phone gently on your chest and turn to walk out of the room because I know that if I am in there for much longer I will completely lose it and that's the last thing you need. You have always been the type to put the needs and feelings of others before yourself and I know you would do whatever it took to soothe me.

As much as I would love to have your arms around me and you placing a gentle kiss on the top of my head like old times. I can't allow it because I don't deserve your love or sympathy. As much as I hate to admit it maybe Rebecca is the best thing for you. Hopefully she won't put you through the hell I have. I can promise you that if she does, I will gladly spend the rest of my life in prison for killing her.

As I reach the door I chance a look back at you. You have what has to be the saddest eyes I have ever seen in my life.

"Olivia, believe me its ok." I lie hoping that you believe it but I know you don't. "I'm going to give you some privacy so that you can talk with her. Once you are done and are ready for me to come back just text me. I'll stay with you till she gets here and then I'll leave."

I walk out of the room and head for the stairs. I have to at least get off the floor before I lose it and waiting for the slow elevator would not accomplish that. I know that if I break down on the floor you would know and try to get to me. I push the door open and jog down the stairs. I can't hold back anymore as I hit the second landing and I slide down the wall crying.

I let go of everything I have been holding in for the last few days. All my fear of losing you, the pain of what I have put you through, the pain you are going through, and the pain that is yet to come.

Once I have composed myself I stand back up and take in a breath, I start to walk back up when I hear my phone go off. I don't have to pull it out to know it's you messaging me. I had assigned you a specific ringtones throughout our relationship. As juvenile as it sounds I started with Invisible Man by 98 degrees.

What can I say it fit us to a tee. You were in a relationship when I came to work with the unit and once we became friends you would often share your happy moments with her and the heartbreak she sometimes left you with. Every time you left I would play that song and pray that one day you would look at me that way but I knew you wouldn't. Or at least I didn't think you would. Then one day you were at my apartment crying about how she had told you she was tired of playing second to the job. In a moment of stupidity or blind courage I leaned forward and kissed you. Turned out to be the best decision of my life.

As we started dating and I could tell this was something that was going to last. Your ringtone was switched to Amazed by Lonestar. I lost count of how many times we danced to it in my living room.

Then the day you asked me to marry you I switched it over to You're my first, my last, my everything by Barry White. Once you discovered that I had switched your ringtone once again and what it was you insisted that it was the first song we dance to at our reception. Who was I to tell you no especially since I knew you were my first, my last, my everything.

In the last year I have switched your ringtone to What I really Meant to Say by Cyndi Thomas. It's a real tear jerker and one that I listen too nightly, especially if I have ran into you at work. It says everything I want to say but can't every time I see you.

I am almost to the landing of your floor when the phone goes off again. I haven't answered your first message and honestly I'm scared too. I'm terrified that if I do it will be you asking me not to return. Steadying myself for the Dear John text, I swipe my finger across my phone screen to open it up. My whole body trembles as I read what you have written to me and without a second thought I'm out of the stairwell and at a dead run to your room.

I bust through your door and stop so fast I almost fall face first onto the ground. You are laying in the bed just as I had left you. Your brown orbs that are full of pain look at me and for the first time I see a spark of light in them. It's the same light that used to be in your eyes when you looked at me but not as bright.

I watch your face contort with pain as you reach out for me with your left hand. Without a second thought I am by your side holding your hand in mine. I try to keep them steady but I can't. There is a part of me that is waiting for you to tell me you were just kidding. That you wanted to toy with my heart and shatter it the way I did yours. I know it's an irrational fear because you would never be that cold and heartless to me or anyone else for that matter. You have spent your entire life taking on everyone else's pain and trying your best not to inflict it.

I brush your hair back that has fallen into your eyes and take a calming breath in.

"I was giving you privacy so you could call Rebecca" I remind you. Since your accident you are having problems with your short term memory. The doctor says that once the bruising subsides your memory should return to normal "I wasn't leaving you. I'll wait until she gets here before I leave. You will not be alone while you are here."

Then I hear what could possibly be the sweetest words I could ever hear at that moment in time.

"I don't want Rebecca here. I want you."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I want to wish everyone a happy holiday. Please be safe and enjoy your time with friends and family.**

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It has been almost a week since my accident and I am finally being released from the hospital. Even though Alex has not left my side throughout my hospital stay I am still shocked when she informs the doctor I will be staying with her. I am even more shocked considering Rebecca showed up yesterday to see me. I close my eyes as the doctor gives her a list of instructions and medications to be filled and allow my mind to recall the events of yesterday.

"I think you are cheating" Alex tells me laughing as she draws four more cards off the deck of UNO cards.

"You shuffled and dealt them" I say loving the sound of your laughter. It has been a long time since I have heard that sound and I have forgotten how much joy it brings me.

"In that case I believe you have marked the cards." You reply turning a card around and checking it.

"What's the point? We're not playing strip UNO" I say taking in as deep of a breath as I can. I think I can truly say that out of all my injuries the broken ribs are the worse. They prevent me from taking a deep breath when I really need to.

"That's not something we can play here" You tell me causing me to jerk my head in your direction. The wink and half smile you give me makes my heart beat twice as fast.

You glance up at the heart rate monitor and laugh again. I can deny how you make me feel till the cows come home but for as long as I'm hooked up to the machines there is no use. Every time you come near me or touch me my heart rate speeds up like always. The gleam that I see in your eyes each time tells me that you enjoy knowing this knowledge.

I start to say something when we hear a knock at the door and you call out for them to enter. We were both expecting a nurse or possibly a doctor. Neither of us was expecting to see Rebecca standing there.

"Hey babe" she says as she enters the room and approaches my bed.

I glance from her to Alex and I feel a knife being plunged into my heart once again when I see the look that crosses Alex's face. As soon as it is there it is gone and she is standing to gather her things. Somewhere down the line she has decided that her life should be a life of pain for her indiscretion. That is something that I don't understand and never will. It takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to destroy a relationship.

"Your face" Rebecca is saying as I try to look around her and stop Alex from leaving but she is blocking my way. "When I get you home I'm going to take care of you."

I pull back and look up at her. What does she mean when she gets me home she'll take care of me? She hasn't been here since I was admitted. She hasn't been the one sleeping on a pull out chair, taking showers at the hospital, and eating hospital food. She wasn't the one who jumped when I whimpered or took the syringe and fed me. All of that was Alex.

"You haven't been here." I say cringing at how it comes out more harsh than what I mean for it to thanks to my jaw being wired shut.

"That is because she refused to allow me to see you." She says as she tosses Alex's bag to the floor "I was here the night of your accident but she forced me from the room."

I grimace as I try to sit up straighter at this news. Alex hasn't told me that Rebecca was here and for her to send her away it would have to be serious. As she comes closer I can't help but to feel angry towards her for no reason.

"Rebecca please" I say pulling away from her touch.

She looks at me with hurt in her eyes "is this because of her."

"Partly" I answer hating the fact that I am about to hurt her "I'm sorry but over the past week I've realized exactly how much I love her. We've had our ups and downs but I don't want to sign the papers without at least trying to work things out."

"She cheated on you." Rebecca states as if I need a reminder.

"I know" I whisper "But she's been here everyday since the accident. You haven't and don't say its because she wouldn't let you. We may be married but if you had shown up Alex would have done what she just did. She would have picked up her items and left."

"Liv, that's because you are awake now."

"No it's not" I say. What no one knows is that I am starting to remember bits and pieces of when I came in. "You wanted my hands restrained and she ordered you out."

"Is that what she told you?" Rebecca asks me.

"It's what I remember" I answer looking her in the eyes. I can tell by the look that she knows she's busted. She also knows that it doesn't matter what she says now we are through.

In all honesty though we were through long before now I just haven't had the nerve to do anything. She has changed me in ways I never thought someone could. I have gotten to where I call and ask her if I could go with the guys after work for a drink, I cater to her every whim simply because that is what she wants, and lastly I stay so angry when I am with her. We fight so much and the sex isn't even close to being loving. I am so rough with her that afterwards I hate myself.

It was always the opposite with Alex and always will be because I love her. I know this just as I know I will love her till the day I am laid in the ground.

"Whatever I have at your house will you please pack it up and I will have Stabler come and get them. I will also have him bring you your items from my place."

She looks at me with a sad look but nothing like what I see on Alex's face. "When I walk out I won't look back. I want you to know that."

I nod in understanding as she walks toward the door. I am greatly relieved that she is not fighting me on this. I have a feeling that the only reason she isn't is because she fears what she would have to endure from Alex.

Before I can reach for my phone my door opens and Alex is standing there. I can tell by the look on her face she has heard everything. A smile tugs at my lips as she slowly makes her way back in. There is a look of relief on her face and it brings me so much peace that I remember why I fell for her the first time. She has the ability to calm me in a way no one else ever has.

"I would ask if you are ready to leave" She says smiling at me pulling me from my thoughts "But I know you were ready when they loaded you on the ambulance."

I smile at her as I carefully start to stand. It's going to be a hard uphill battle and one that may emotionally take me out but it's a battle I have to fight. If for no other reason than to say I gave it a chance when I have to finally sign the divorce papers that are sitting on her kitchen table.

* * *

 **The thoughts Olivia had concerning Rebecca was what my dear brother in blue confided in me. He has told me that she changed him and not for the good. He wasn't himself when he was with her and now that they are separated and back to talking with his wife he is feeling more like himself.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I'm pretty sure that this is not what my professor had in mind when I was instructed to write a thematic paper on Justice and the New Testament but hey whatever it takes to get the story written right? I know it has been close to three months since I have written on this story and I am so sorry. Life has not cooperated with my wanting to write. I want to thank everyone for their patience with me just know that no matter how long it takes me I do complete all my stories.**

* * *

I'm sitting on the couch going through some case files when I hear a knock at the door. I jump up quickly hoping to be able to answer it before it wakes Olivia. She was in so much pain by the time we arrived to our apartment that it took all I had not to break down in tears. How I managed to get you into the bed and away from you before I broke down was a miracle.

"Elliot, I gave you a key for a reason" I whisper as I jerk the door open expecting to see him on the other side but that's not who it is. It is Shane the woman I have been dating for the last few months and the one I have forgotten to call the last few days.

"Why would Elliot have a key to your place?" She asks as she leans forward to kiss me only to have me turn my head to the side to avoid it.

"He has gone to Olivia's apartment to pick up some of her items to bring them here" I inform her as I pull the door closer to my body and block her way into the apartment.

She pulls back in shock as the words finally register "Why would he be bring you Olivia's stuff. I thought you both were in the process of getting a divorce."

"We are, or were, honestly I don't know right now" I sigh in defeat. For as close as we have become again in the hospital and her sending Rebecca packing, I honestly have no clue if she wishes to work on our relationship. I know I want to salvage what we have now more than ever but I honestly have no clue about you. Yes, there are signs that I still turn you on and get to you like always but there's a fine line between lust and love.

"Alex, how do you not know? The divorce papers were on your table the last time I was here ready for her to sign. Either she signs and it goes easy or she doesn't and it's dragged out in court. Trust me from experience you want the former not the latter."

I close my eyes and exhale slowly as I think of the words I need to say to her. The last thing I want to do is to hurt her because she has been nothing but great to me. She respected the fact that I was still legally married and that I saw Olivia on a regular basis due to our jobs. Hell, she even respected the fact that Olivia was always my date at work functions to keep up appearance till the divorce went through and we announced it.

"Olivia was in a bad car accident about a week ago and was just released earlier today." I say in the steadiest voice I can only to hear it crack when I say accident.

"Alex, how bad?"

Tears come to my eyes and start to fall despite my best attempts to stop them. She steps forward and takes me into her arms and holds me as I finally fall apart. I have probably endured one of the most stressful weeks of my life and the one person who I could always come apart on was the one person who needed me to keep it together.

It takes me a few minutes to pull myself back together and step out of her arms. I'm grateful for the shoulder to cry on and everything but I hate myself for what I know I must tell her. I never intended for our relationship to take this turn but at the same time I never saw a way to salvage my marriage to Olivia either. For as much as I care for Shane, I love Olivia more, and will do anything to get her back.

"You've decided to work things through." She states matter of fact as everything starts to fall into place for her.

"I'm hoping so" I answer as I wrap my arms around myself in a protective manner "I'm so sorry to do this to you. After everything that has happened this past week I can't sign those papers without truly being able to say we tried. I still love her and I've realized being by her side in the hospital that I'm still in love with her."

She looks down as she shoves her hands in her pockets. I can tell she's struggling to keep it together and not lose it. I can only hope and pray that she will gracefully bow out and not become overly emotional. My fear isn't of what she will do to me or say to me but what Olivia will do if she wakes her. She is in no condition to fly into her over protector mode that she has when she's with me.

"Are you sure this is the right thing to do?" She finally asks raising her head to look me in the eyes.

I close my eyes to the pain and anguish I see in her eyes when she looks at me. It's similar to the look Olivia had on her face the night I told her. Oddly enough even though it hurts me to see it, it doesn't shatter my very being.

"I am" I say as a smile crosses my face. Despite the fact that Olivia could walk out on me a second time, this time with her signature on papers finalizing the destruction of our marriage, I know I want to do this. I am willingly walking into uncertainty with my eyes wide open and couldn't be happier with the thought of doing so.

"For your sake I hope it works out for you." Shane finally says as the tears start to fall from her eyes "You're an amazing woman Alexandra and deserve the best. I hope you can finally get what you want. Please understand that I won't be waiting on the side lines for you to come to if it doesn't work out either."

"I know" I whisper as I step forward and hug her tightly. I know the pain she is going through and I hate that I am the cause of it. "I am so sorry to do this to you."

She pulls back and gives me one of the saddest smiles I have ever seen.

"I am to Alex. I am too."

Before I can say anything else she turns and walks away without ever looking back. I slowly close the door and lean against it as I start to cry once again. Somehow I have managed to destroy two lives because of my selfishness and I hate myself for that. How I ever allowed myself to get to this point I have no clue and decide it would be best to figure this out before I take a second chance with Olivia. The last thing I ever want to do is to hurt her again.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Apparently having to write a thematic paper for a religion class gives me the motivation I need to write on this story. If only I could send this in in place of my paper. It would be so much more helpful than trying to figure out what to write on the subject. Anyways I hope everyone enjoys and forgives me at the end of this chapter.**

* * *

When I wake up I am in some of the worse pain I have ever felt in my life. I attempt to sit up more hoping to alleviate some of the pain only to end up cause more. Without thinking I clench my teeth to keep from crying out which only causes me even more pain. Unable to keep quiet, I scream out into the quiet room as tears start falling down my face. Before I can attempt to move again the door is tossed open and a light floods the bedroom.

"Easy, let me help you" I hear Alex whisper in a soft voice as she steps into the room.

I squint my eyes against the light and can't help but notice how it seems to frame her entire body as if she was an angel. Although, I have always thought she was an angel sent to save me from myself. Before I met her my life revolved around work. I had it in my head that no one wanted me, not only because of my background but because of my job as well. Seriously who would want to be with someone who couldn't guarantee they would make it home alive.

"Do you want to stay in here or would you like to come out to the living room?" She asks me as she helps me to get into a better position.

If I'm honest with myself I would love to go into the living room but I'm not sure I can handle it. What I do know is that I want to spend some time with her. I know that she had some files to go over from when we arrived at her apartment and the last thing I want to do is interrupt her work.

"Hey" She whispers as she carefully sits on the bed "What are you thinking?"

I inhale through my mouth which reminds me of the sound of someone slurping on a straw.

"I want to go to the living room" I manage to say while 'slurping' after every second word. "But I'm afraid I won't be able to."

"We can try if you want" She tells me as she carefully brushes my bangs off my forehead "Your choice"

"Stay here" I finally say after I consider it. As much as I want to try to go out there I'm scared that it will cause me even more pain than I'm already in.

"Let me go and get your pain medicine and fix you something to eat." She says as she stands "I had Elliot go to the store and get you some soup and what I need to fix your shakes the way they showed us. What would you like?"

"Soup" I answer with the best smile I can despite the fact that it hurts. I want to make it as easy as I can for her because she doesn't have to be here doing what she is doing. I hate myself because I know that I am such a burden on her at the moment.

I lean back against the pillows and close my eyes to the pain that is tearing through my body. I am starting to understand why they told me not to let my pain medicine lapse at all. I'm taking short controlled breaths when I hear a noise to my right side. I know without looking that it's Alex.

"Here let's get your pain medicines in you while your soup is heating up." She says as she helps me into a better position.

I greedily take the medicine she has in the special syringe and there's a part of me that wish I could take a second dose. I glance up at her as places the medicine on the nightstand by my side of the bed. I can tell that something is bothering her and it pains me more than my actual physical pain.

"What is it?" I force out hoping to sound as calm and nice as I can which is impossible. A simple yes from me at the moment sounds like I'm about to lose my temper even though that's not the case.

The pain I see in her eyes when she connects with mine is so intense that I have to look away. Am I the cause of the pain? Is it too much for her to handle having me here?

I start thinking about someplace else I could go to but the only thing I can come up with Elliot's and the last thing they need is another child to care for. I remember in one of my rare lucid moments in the hospital the doctor talking about a rehab center. I need to find his number and ask him how I can get moved to one of those. Maybe I could call Fin and have him come and take me to his place but I'm sure he doesn't need me cramping his lifestyle. I had never wanted to have a family member as much as I do now.

"Your soup should be warm enough for you" She says in a pained voice that pulls me from my thoughts. I watch her leave and realize that she no longer has the same confident walk that she has always had. Her walk now resembles someone who has the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Before I can figure out where my phone is she is back in the room and sitting by my side. As she fills the syringe to feed me I turn my head. I hate that I am so dependent on her or anyone for that matter.

"I fixed you cream of potato" She says to me as she strokes my arm "Do you want something different? I just figured you would want this since it's your favorite."

"You didn't answer" I ground out in frustration.

She sits the syringe in the bowl and places it on the night stand. She exhales slowly as she turns and takes both my hands in hers. The look on her face tells me I'm not going to like what she has to say and I feel my heart plummet to the ground.

"Shane stopped by while you were asleep" She informs me as she strokes the back of my knuckles with her thumb.

It is then that I realize how much of a burden that I am on her. I know that she is seeing Shane and that they have a decent relationship. I can only imagine what type of strain my being here is putting on them and it's not fair to them. This just resolved my dilemma about finding a rehab home to go to.

"You're not a burden" She says in a stern voice as she dips her head down to look into my eyes. As always I am taken back by how well she can read me. "I want you here. I need you here."

"Alex" I choke out trying my best not to break down.

"No, listen to me." She says in a soothing voice as she wipes my tears away with shaky hands "We are where we are because we kept too much from each other and I want that to stop now."

I shake my head and struggle to sit up to get out of bed only to be stopped by her.

"I want you to stop and listen to what I have to say." She informed me as she stared deep into my eyes. If it wasn't for the glint of a smile on her face I would have thought that my hopes of reconciling was shattered "Shane stopped by and we talked." She inhaled and exhaled slowly.

I look at her with hope building in me mixed with a little pain for what I can only imagine what Alex maybe feeling. I have hurt her once again and once again I wish my life had been taken in the accident. It's not fair to her to keep putting her through everything that I have put her through.

"I told her that for the past week I realized that I not only love you but that I am still in love with you. She has wished us the best and walked away." She continues as she makes sure she maintains eye contact with me. "I know without a doubt that you are my soulmate and the one I am to be with till the day I die. Olivia, I want to salvage what we have. I want us to work through our issues and become a couple again in every sense of the word, not just for appearance sake. I want to take the divorce papers on the kitchen table and set fire to them in the fireplace. When the time is right I want to walk down the aisle once again and recommit myself to you."

I feel the tears start to fall from my eyes once again and for once I can truly say that this time they are tears of happiness.

"My question is" Alex took a deep breath as a flash of fear crossed her eyes "Is that what you want? Do you want to see if we can work through this or is what we have truly gone in your eyes?"

I close my eyes and send a silent prayer to the Lord above, that I don't believe in, for this opportunity. How the hell I am so blessed to fix what went wrong, with the best woman to have ever walked the earth, is beyond me but it's not a chance I'm willing to pass up. I'm unable to pull her in my arms and give her my answer the way I want to so instead I nod as I smile the best I can. As I do this I can see the weight that she is carrying lifting off her shoulders and a look of peace finally cross her angelic face.


	9. Chapter 9

I'm sitting there going over a case file while you watch TV when I hear the words I never wanted to hear 'Why did you cheat on me?'. I knew they were coming at some point and I would have to answer them but I had hoped that it wouldn't be this soon. Not two weeks after I have confessed that I want to work everything out and to be with you. Not before I knew we had a strong enough foundation to touch on this subject. Certainly not two weeks after I almost lost you and still feel like in any moment you could be gone from me.

"Hey Alex" I hear you call me trying to get my attention. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly as I turn to face you and I can't help but smile. You look so at home and relax sitting in the recliner I have bought you in nothing but a pair of sweatpants and ragged NYPD T-shirt. You're barefoot with your legs crossed at the ankle and whether you realize it or not you are bouncing your foot back and forth to a tune that only you can hear.

"Why are you staring at me like you want to jump me and devour me?" You ask as you wince in pain. You try your best to hide your pain from me but I know it's there and that's when I snap out of my trance.

"Because you look so fucking hot just sitting there watching TV" I answer smiling even broader at the truth in my statement to her. I have always found her beautiful and my desire level for her has always been through the roof but since I told her I wanted no more secrets between us and have stuck with that my desire has hit levels I had never known possible. It's almost as if being honest with her and truly opening myself up to the chance of total destruction caused by her is a huge turn on.

"Yeah a wired jaw is a huge turn on" You say as you look away from me. I know it bothers you more than you let on that you are dependent on me.

"The fact that you are alive and sitting in that chair is a huge turn on to me." I whisper as I scoot closer to the end of the couch so that I am closer to her. I want to run my hands all over her body but I'm terrified of the pain I may cause if I do so I have resorted to running my hands up and down my legs. Taking a deep breath I wait till you are looking at me before I speak again "Is this something you want to discuss right now?"

I watch you swallow as you close your eyes. I can see that you are torn about wanting to know and not wanting to know why I allowed another woman to touch me. There's no doubt in my mind you have asked yourself a million times what wasn't you giving me. I know this because I have been cheated on and that was the question that constantly ran through my mind. I reach out and carefully take your hand in mine as I think of a way to form the words I never wanted to say. Hell I never thought I would have to say to you.

"I cheated on you because I longed for the touch of another person." I finally say as I realize there really is no way to sugar coat what needs to be said. "I wanted you here but I had no clue how to tell you that without hurting you or feel like I was hurting you."

"Sorry" You mumbled as you glance down at your lap.

"Don't be sorry" I say as I dart my head down so I can look into your eyes "I fell in love with the woman who fought hard for the victims. I fell in love with the woman who gave everyone every bit of herself and never asked for anything in return. I fell in love with the woman who never once thought about putting herself in harm's way so that another would go home safe."

I laugh as I hear you tell me that's your job. Yes, it is your job but it is so much of who you are as a person and you don't realize it. It is so much of the reason why you hold my heart. I have no doubt in my mind that I was lost to you forever the first time I ever watched you work with a child. The patience, love and understanding that was displayed was not something that could be forced or faked. As wrong as it was at the time it was a huge turn on.

"I knew what I was getting into when I accepted the first date and I knew the hand I was playing when I said I do. I thought I could handle it but sometimes the desire and need for the touch of another was too much. I know I could have told you at any moment but I never wanted you to think that I was having you choose between the job and me."

"I would have always chosen you." You say as you smile, which is more of a grimace than a smile.

I close my eyes to the pain that I hear in your answer. It's not just the pain from the accident but from what I have done as well.

"I know but I swore I would never do that. Too many past lovers have done that too you and I wasn't about too. I thought I could handle it till that night at the bar."

"Why her?"

"Honestly Olivia I don't know" I answer her truthfully as I rack my brain trying to figure out why her "All I know is she paid attention to me and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and it wasn't work related. Before I knew it I had drunk too much and when she offered to get a motel room I agreed. It wasn't until I was in the bed with her that the full weight of my fuck up hit me."

I watch her turn away and I can tell by the shaking of her shoulders she is crying and trying her best to control it. I am so caught up in my own thoughts that I miss her next question and I have to ask her to repeat it.

"Was she better than me?"

"God no" I say without hesitation. No one has ever been as in tuned to my body as she had been. "No one has ever and no one will ever please me the way that you have. You know my body inside and out and have since that first night together."

I see you smile and a little light sparkle in your eyes that it causes me to laugh. I know that at this moment despite the fact that you aren't doing it you're poking your chest out at this knowledge. If you were the type of woman to kiss and tell the guys would be high fiving you and buying you drinks. But your respect for me, or any woman, would never allow you to do that but the knowledge is still a boost to your ego.

"Olivia," I say as I lean forward and kiss you on the forehead "I love you and when I say she meant nothing to me that is the honest to god truth. I have hated myself every moment since that night for what I did and if I could turn back time I would never do it. But I can't and you can't dwell on the past either. The only thing you can do is learn from it and make your relationship stronger."

"Just so you know I will always want to kick her ass" You tell me as you squeeze my hand.

I can't help but laugh again because I know this is your way of closing the subject at the moment. You have to process the information I have given you and work it out in your head. At some point you will come back to me and state what you have say and how you feel but I know it won't be at this moment. There is no doubt in my mind when the time comes what you have to say will cut me to the bone but I also know that in the end we will come out stronger. We will be where we need to be.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Thank you thank you thank you to everyone for putting up with large gaps and allowing me to take you down trails you never considered traveling down with our two favorite ladies. I do love to push the line in real life and in Fan Fiction. I am happy to say that the brother in blue this story is based off of is doing exceptionally well. He has had his last surgery (minor outpatient one), back to full duty at work, and still trying to work things out with his wife. Here's to hoping they can make it.**

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I stand here and stare at myself in the bathroom mirror and I'm disgusted by what I see. My abs are no longer as defined as they once were. My collarbone is now visible along with my hip bones. My face looks sunken in and my eyes seemed almost hollow. I am literally the shell of the person I used to be. I have never been over weight or had an issue with my weight, I've just always maintained a nicely sculpted body. It's something that I have done not only for my career but for myself and Alex.

She had on more than one occasion mentioned how much she liked my body. How she enjoyed running her hands up and down my muscular back especially when I was making love to her. The look on her face whenever I wore shorts around the house and she could see my defined legs was something for the record books. Let's not even get started on how she acted when I flexed my arms. There were times I would lift her up and take her against a wall only so she would grab my biceps. I'm not sure who reaped the benefits more when I did that me or her.

I smile as the memories of happier times flash through my mind. Those were the times that I was so in tuned with her that I could tell what she needed and when. Then as time went on, like any other couple, I began to take her for granted. In my mind I knew that she would always be there to hold me in my darkest hour no matter what I put her through. Learning that she had cheated was an instant wake-up call and a reminder that if you want a rose to blossom you have to give it sun light.

"Liv, Elliot is here." I hear her call through the closed door pulling me from my thoughts.

"OK" I struggle to say. I have yet to figure out how to talk with my jaw wired shut and some words are more difficult to say than others. The other thing that gets to me is how harsh sounding I am when I talk to her. I wince each time I speak to her and it sounds so harsh yet she lights up with the largest smile. I have a feeling that she does it to keep from upsetting me or from berating myself.

I use the wall to steady myself as I walk into the living room and I can't help but breathe a sigh of relief when I see the two people who mean the most to me engaged in a civil conversation. I know they both have the capabilities of being civil to each other but I still fear that he may say something.

"If it isn't sleeping beauty" Elliot calls out with laughter in his voice.

I throw the tissue I have in my hand at him and miss by a mile. He has started calling me that since my stay in the hospital. I was and still am on so much medication that I slept the majority of my hospitalization away. I have little memory of the first few days after surgery and remember asking him why he never bothered to visit me. That was when he had said he had but I slept the entire time and started calling me sleeping beauty.

"I have to run some errands" Alex says as she grabs her purse and coat before turning to face me "If you need anything while I'm out just message me." She turns to face Elliot "She will need her pain meds again in about thirty minutes. No matter what she says she is to receive the whole dosage. Everything you need to make her protein shakes are in the kitchen and the soups are in the cabinet to the left of the stove. She has to eat in about twenty minutes. If not the pain meds make her very ill."

"Yes Ma'am" Elliot answers with a wink and a salute as if she's a commanding officer from his days in the Marines.

"Be careful" I whisper as I pull her to me and kiss her on the cheek. "I love you.'

"I love you too" She chokes out as her eyes become misty. She clears her throat and smiles one last time as she heads out the door.

"So?" Elliot says with raised eyebrows as I move around him to my recliner.

"We're working on it." I answer him as I pull the legs out. "It's a slow and painful process."

"Liv, I don't want to see you hurt."

"I know but I think it would hurt worse in the end if I looked back and realized I never gave it a shot." I toss my blanket around my legs and tuck it into the cushions "Hell El, she didn't have to do what she's done for me so far. She could have easily walked away from me at the hospital and allowed Rebecca to make all the decisions or you. She also could have been a bigger bitch and took me down the most painful road of recovery but she hasn't. She's done everything she could do to make it the easiest for me."

"I have always stayed out of what has happened between you and Alex." Elliot tells me as he leans back "I was happy to see you happy again with Rebecca but it wasn't the same kind of happiness that you have with Alex. I can't tell you how many times you have told me that if Alex called you to work things out you would toss Rebecca to the side without blinking."

I nod remembering all the conversations we've had sitting in the car on a stake out.

"I will tell you like I told her the night we were waiting on you to come out of surgery." He slides forward and makes sure that I am not only looking at him but listening as well "Use this accident as an eye opener, take it as a sign from God for the two of you to work everything out. As bad as this is but maybe, just maybe, this is what the two of you needed to fix what is broken."

"We are" I tell him "The other day we discussed why she cheated on me. I think it was an eye opener for the both of us. I know I solely blamed her for it for the longest but that's not right. It takes two to make a relationship and it take two to destroy it. I shouldn't have shut her out and taken her for granted."

Elliot smiles as he nods in understanding. There's no way I could count how many times I have shown up at his house drunk and crying wanting to know why I wasn't enough. Asking him if he thought it was because of my conception or was I just someone to warm her on lonely nights. Why did she use me like she did? Shocking enough though he would always defend Alex and encouraged me to talk to her, advice I always ignored.

"I wish I had listened to you sooner" I finally admit to him as he begins flipping through the channels on the TV "Who knows if I had we probably would have skipped all this."

"Maybe, maybe not. Who knows?" Elliot says as he finally finds a game and settles back against the couch "Sometimes two people have to fall apart to fall back together again."

A laugh escapes me as I lay back and close my eyes. I remember seeing that somewhere and thinking how well that seemed to fit Alex and I. As a couple, we were falling apart and my hopes were that we could fall back together again. I didn't realize that we needed to fall apart as individuals as well before we could fall back together again. For the first time ever I am so thankful that I have finally reached bottom. Because now that I have I know the only way is up and to Alex.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: This is your warning this chapter is heartbreaking. Remember I'm cute and you love me. Also to the guest reviewer who keeps on saying they hate this Olivia I am portraying my question to you is have you ever had a partner cheat on you? Have you ever had the million doubts and questioned your worth when its happened? If you haven't you don't understand this side I'm writing but for those of us who have more than understand it.**

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I walk into the living room from the kitchen and smile. Alex is stretched out on the couch reading a book. She is wearing one of my old t shirts, a pair of her faded blue jeans and no shoes. I can see her perfectly manicured toenails and for whatever reason I find it oddly erotic. There's a calmness about her that I've never seen or felt before and I can't help but worry. The old saying the calm before the storm keeps floating through my head.

"Are you going to join me or just keep staring at me?" She asks without ever looking up from her book.

"Can I do both?" I ask as I carry my bowl of potatoes to the couch.

Just last week I had my wire removed and was finally cleared to eat soft foods. Now instead of living off strictly soups and protein shakes I can include such foods as mashed potatoes and cream corn. To be able to eat a food of solid substance was amazing but not nearly as amazing as finally being able to talk to her without sounding angry.

She lowers her book and silently watches me as I make my way around the couch. I know she is wondering what I am doing because for the first time since I have moved back in I am not heading for my recliner. I don't want to be in my recliner I want to be by her, I have to be touching her, I need to be touching her. I can see the shock in her eyes when I tap her feet so I can sit down but she pulls them in and then places them in my lap without ever saying a word. I sigh as I finally feel whole again and begin to slowly eat my dinner.

"Did you get enough or would you like some more?" I hear her ask as I sit the bowl on the end table. Even though I am able to do more for myself now days she still insists on waiting on me, for a lack of better words.

"I'm fine for now" I answer as I twist in the seat and smile at her "Can we talk?"

She instantly sits up and places her book on the coffee table. The mood in the room has changed drastically and I mentally berate myself for it. I can see the worry and sudden pain in her eyes and it hurts me so bad that I have to look away.

"The day you told me about her my world shattered." I finally say as I stare at the book she was reading.

"I know" She says in a hushed tone as she pulls her feet to her chest and wraps her arms around them.

A tear slides down her cheek and I have to fight the urge to stop and just pull her into my arms.

"I started replaying every time we made love and wondered where I went wrong? What wasn't I doing that you wanted or what was I doing that you didn't want? Every scene I replayed was perfect, at least to me."

"Because it was perfect." She chokes out as she brushes the tears from her face "You were perfect each and every time."

I smile as I stand and walk over to the fire place. There is a picture of our wedding day hanging above it and all I can do is stare at it. After a few minutes I lower my head unable to look at you or our picture as I say what I have to say.

"I have spent my whole life thinking I was never enough. That no one would ever love me the way I so desperately wanted to be loved. My mother never loved me the way a mother should so why should anyone else." The tears are falling freely and burning my open incision but I enjoy the pain. I need the pain to remind me why I'm here today. "That night you leaned over and kissed me took me by surprise. I figured since you initiated the kiss I had a chance to at least take you out on one date. So I asked you out."

I finally turn around and face you.

"When you asked if there would be a second date I was amazed."

"Oh Liv" you sob out as cover your mouth. You start to stand but I stop you by shaking my head no.

"I realized a long time ago that there are two types of people in this world. Those who deserve love, find love, and marry their love. Then there are those of us who wants to love and be loved so badly that it's almost pathetic but no matter what we're not that lucky. That we would never find "the one" and get married. I figured out very early in life I fell into the second group. Partly because of my heritage but mostly because that was just the way the cards fell."

I walk back toward you and carefully sit on the coffee table.

"Then the icing on the cake was I became a cop. Sure everyone loves a cop, a woman in uniform, the underlying strength they exhibit, the thoughts of what they can do with handcuffs. No one loves playing second to the job. No one loves canceled dates or hearing I have to pull an extra detail. No one loves wondering if when I walk out the door that would be the last time they would ever see me."

I take a chance to look you in the eyes and I see nothing but pain and sympathy for me. I hate seeing both with a passion so I look away once again.

"Not long after I graduated the academy I decided that I would never put anyone through that. I would have short flings when I couldn't stand the lonely nights any more but that was all. I would find my happiness within my job and that would just have to be enough. But I couldn't walk away from you."

You reach forward and take my hands in yours and give them a gentle squeeze.

"I thought my luck had finally changed when we got married. I finally stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop and then years later it did."

I finally look up at you and wipe the tears from your eyes "You know I never once blamed you. I blamed myself for it. I figured this was what I got for thinking I could ever be lucky enough to fall in the first group. That's why I never yelled at you or argued over the fact that you cheated on me. I felt, still feel, I got what I deserved."

"Honey no"

"It's ok Alex." I say as I pull my hands from hers and stand. I move away from her despite her pleas to come back. I stare at the front door wanting nothing more than to walk out of it "They say there's a price you pay for love. My biggest regret is that you had to pay that price. That because I knew I was living a fairytale that was going to end I pushed you into the arms of another woman." I turn and I'm shocked to find her right there "I want you to know I have never once regretted falling in love with you because I don't. I just wished I could have spared you all this pain."

"I would gladly take this pain if it means a chance to be loved by you" She tells me as she pulls me into her arms and a tight embrace. I want to push her away and spare her more pain but I can't. The embrace is so warm and loving that all I can do is wrap my arms around her and finally cry the tears that I've kept at bay for a lifetime.

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 **Now let the true healing begin.**


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I know another update fairly quickly. I can't thank everyone enough for accepting this story with open arms along with all my other ones as well. You guys are truly the best.**

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I sooth you back to sleep when I hear you start to whimper. I'm no longer sure if your whimpering is due to your accident or what you finally revealed to me earlier in the evening. I had always known you were damaged. No damaged isn't the correct word to use because that indicates that there is something wrong with you and there isn't. I guess the word I need to use here would be broken but I had always thought that you were broken because of the hell you went through in your childhood and continually go through on your job. I never once considered it had to do with you believing you didn't deserve love.

I feel you scoot over closer to me and tightly wrap your arm around me and hold me as if your life depends on it. I fight the tears back as I considered the many times you would do that when I moved in the past and I considered it a romantic gesture. Now I can't help but wonder if it's because you're desperate, no not desperate, you're a lot things my love but desperate will never be one of them. I guess the word I would use here was scared. Scared that you would wake up and all this would be a dream.

Your whimpering pulls me from my thoughts once again. That is when I know for certain it does not have to do with you accident but your emotional hell you are going through. I run my finger through your short hair and can't help but smile when I watch the corners of your mouth twitch in your sleep. I don't think you will ever understand how it makes me feel to know that a simple touch from me can make you smile. It was always such an honor to know that in your darkest hours I was able to be the light you needed to dig your way out.

But how did I miss this darkness that you have always held in you? I would always see a hint of sadness and pain in your eyes but I never really questioned. Because you have proudly worn the uniform for NYPD since you were twenty three years old. That isn't a career for the faint of heart and once you made detective you transferred to one of the roughest units there is. Compound that with the fact that now day's people are out to kill you because you want to help them. You have buried more of your brothers and sisters than you should have because of this senseless violence and each time I watched a little piece of you crumble.

I lean my head back against the headboard and began to rub my hand up and down your back hoping to keep you calm. I wished more than anything that I had known this information from the start. I would have made sure I showed you every day how loveable you are. How much you deserve that love. Why didn't I do that from the beginning? Maybe if I had we wouldn't be where we are at this moment. Then again maybe this is where we need to be because I would have never discovered what was truly behind the sadness hidden in your eyes.

I know that was information you never wanted to come to light but it had to for you to explain your feelings on my cheating. I'm pretty sure you have spent the past few weeks trying to figure out how to explain it without revealing that to me. But, there was no way around it so you had to share your deepest and darkest secret with me to explain everything. What you don't realize is I am so thankful for that because now I can put you back together and show you exactly how loveable and deserving of love you are.

"Alex"

I hum when I hear her call my name although I'm not really paying attention.

"Alex"

I finally shake out of my thoughts and look down at her. She's looking at me with uncertainty and it's a side of her that I'm not used to. She has always been confident and even sometimes cocky but I have never once seen her uncertain.

"Where did you go?"

I smile at her as kiss her forehead "Nowhere honey I've been right here with you."

"Where did you go in your head?"

"Nowhere" I answer afraid if I tell her I was mulling over what was revealed earlier would hurt her somehow.

"You said no more secrets" She says as she sits up and starts to pull way but I refuse to let her.

She's right I did tell her no matter what I was going to be honest with her and here I am lying to her. Not necessarily lying but still not being completely open with her. I'm so scared that she will withdraw or run if I tell her but then I realize that's what I need her to do. I need her to run so that I can show her that she is worth loving and fighting for.

"I was mulling over what you told me earlier."

"Oh' she mumbles as she jerks free of my arms and start to move off the bed.

"I wish you would have told me sooner." I inform her as I reach forward and stop her from getting off the bed. I do, wish that but we can't change the past.

"It doesn't matter" she says as she looks at me.

The pain I see on her face is almost too much so I do the only thing I know to do. I grab her as gently as I can and pull her too me. As my lips touches hers a sigh leaves my mouth and my body is jolted alive. I have forgotten the feel of her lips, her taste, and how alive she makes me feel. She is as intoxicating as the first time if not more so and I have to force myself to pull away from her despite the fact that I want to rip her clothes off and ravage her. But sex is not the answer to our problems and would be nothing but a band aid covering a festering wound.

When I open my eyes you are looking at me with the same twinkle and light you have always had but I see the doubts there as well. Have they always been there and I was blind to them or did you hide them that well? I can't help but wonder what else I haven't 'seen' because I failed to look past what I wanted to see, what you allowed me to see.

I make a promise then and there that I'm going to break down every wall you have and climb through every dark muddy passage you have buried within you. I have no doubt there are going to be times that I will hate what I see and discover. I'm sure at times it will come close to destroying me and I will have to wonder how you survived it. The only answer to that will be what not only myself but everyone around you already knows. You are the strongest person alive.

Without a word I pull you back onto the bed and back into my arms. I'm thankful you don't fight me and settle into my embrace. I can tell you don't want to talk and I will give you that right now. I can't begin to fathom how emotionally, physically, and mentally drained you are and it shows. Within minutes you are out again as I realize I am about to embark on a mission that I should have been doing all along and failed to do so. The thought of this mission causes my heart to beat twice as fast and my soul to feel at peace. I finally close my eyes as a smile graces my face. I am going to date my wife and discover her all over again.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I know I promised the next chapter of Private Dancer but the muse had other plans. Yes that story will be updated within the next day or so as well. Then hopefully my muse will turn naughty and finish out playing pool.**

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I'm sitting in my chair reading when Alex walks back in from her errands. I look up and smile at the blonde angel who quickly makes her way to me and gives me a gentle kiss. Since out heart to heart she has become even more attentive than what she was before and honestly I'm not sure how to take it at times. I've never been one who has been doted on but the one to do the doting. I guess, thanks to my younger years, I don't feel as if I deserve that type of treatment.

"Are you hungry?" She asks me as she stands and rolls her shoulders. I've noticed in the past week she has been doing that more and more and its frustrating me. I want to be able to help her more and do more but I'm still limited so the majority of the work falls on her.

"You've been carrying the load" I tell her as I readjust myself so I can look at her without craning my neck "Why don't you go change into your favorite pair of sweatpants and t shirt and I'll fix us something to eat."

"You heard what the doctor told you on Tuesday."

"And I also know it's not going to set me back weeks if I walk into the kitchen and fix you dinner. God knows you deserve to be waited on hand and foot."

"Make you a deal." She whispers as she ran her fingers through my hair "Why don't I go change and then when I come back in here we'll order something in and find something to watch on TV."

"I can work with that compromise." I answer with a smile. She may not be allowing me to cook but at least I know she is going to take it easy tonight.

"Thank about what you want and can eat" She says as she saunters down the hallway.

I bite back a moan as I watch her walk away. I have always loved watching her walk in a pair of heels but seeing her in a pair of painted on blue jeans with black boots is an even bigger turn on. I shake my head as she walks into the bedroom and try to cool my libido. God it amazes me how much more I want her now than I did before.

I'm just starting to read my book again when I hear a knock at the door and she calls from the bedroom for me to answer it. I carefully get up so not to cause me any pain so I can answer the door. I glance through the peep hole and I'm shocked to see Munch on the other side.

I quickly open the door and smile at him only to find that the entire unit is waiting in the hallway. I glance back toward the bedroom and I swear I have just fallen in love with her all over again. She is leaning against the door frame barefoot in a pair of sweatpants and one of my t-shirts.

"Surprise honey" She says as she pushes off the door frame and walks towards me "I know it's driving you crazy not being able to see them regularly and you are going stir crazy. So, I thought this would lift your spirits some."

I'm so overcome with emotions that I struggle to keep the tears from falling. This is just another reminder of why Alex is my soulmate and not Rebecca. Rebecca would have never done anything like this and would often bitch at me for the time I spent with them outside of work. On the opposite side of the spectrum Alex always encouraged me to go with them and invite them over on a regular basis. She understood the need we have to decompress together.

"Is the reunion and dinner going to be eaten in the hallway or can we come in?" Fin says as he slides past me and smacks me gently on the back.

"Sorry I was distracted" I say as a blush starts to creep up my neck to my face.

"Yeah we noticed." Elliot answers as he walks in carrying a large tin foil container from Dallas BBQ, my favorite restaurant.

I laugh as I close the door and watch them lay everything out on the table. I am starting to think that they ordered everything there was to order. Elliot pulls the lid off the larger container he is carrying and I see that they have pulled pork and chicken, smoked brisket, shrimp, fish, wings, and ribs as the main dish. There is another container that is full of their potatoes that I love so much and corn on the cob. They also have another container that is full of baked beans. Fin puts a long loaf size package on the table that is overflowing with their buttered Texas Toast.

I can literally feel myself gain weight as I stare at all the food and I can't wait till I can dig into all of it. I know my mouth will be hurting later but at this point I don't care. I start to walk into the kitchen to help them lay everything out when I am stopped by Cragen.

"Go we have this, both of you."

I look at him and smile as I turn to Alex. Before she can stop me I have pulled her into my arms and I am kissing her. I feel her wrap her hands around my neck and her nails graze the back of my neck. Just as I am about to lose myself in her kiss I feel her hand travel over my shoulder and to my chest. The gentle pat to stop me causes me to groan in disapproval.

I open my eyes to find her staring at me and my throat closes up at the love I see pouring from her now almost midnight blue eyes. A smile tugs at the corner of her lips as she trails her hand down my arm and interlocks her fingers with mine. She leans forward and places a gentle kiss on my cheek before completely stepping away from me.

"Go sit down and I will fix you your plate." She tells me and places a finger on my lips as I open my mouth to argue with her "Don't argue with me just let me spoil you."

I nod in agreement just as Fin walks by and laughs "Take it while you can Liv."

"You're just jealous" I tell him as I follow behind him and take a seat in my chair. "What's new?"

"Well our temporary ADA is busting our balls and the scum of the earth is still wreaking havoc other than that nothing."

"She does have her hands full trying to keep you guys in line. I'm not sure how Alex did it all those years." I say laughing as Alex hands me my plate. I glance down and realize she has given me a little of everything. What's even better is that she has cut the meat off the rib bones and scraped the corn off the cob for me and before I can turn and thank her she is back in the kitchen.

It's almost two hours later when Elliot finally stands up and announces he has to leave and before long everyone starts following suit. Cragen is the last to leave and he lingers for a few minutes and I can tell he's trying to figure out what to say.

"We're working on it" I finally tell him as I start laughing.

"She's good for you" He says as he gently hugs me and leaning over toward Alex "And she's good for you."

"The best" she whispers her voice full of emotions as she slides up to stand by me.

He glances from the two of us and smiles before nodding and leaving. I know that is his way of wishing us the best and telling us that he's happy for us. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my chest with his silent approval. I sigh as I shut the door and turn to start walking toward the kitchen.

"I can tell you're tired and hurting so go lay down." She tells me as she reaches out to stop me "Almost everything is cleaned up I just have to put the food in the fridge."

"Join me?"

"Five minutes max."

"Thanks" I tell her as I give her a quick kiss before heading toward the bedroom. I know me not fighting with her to help tells her how tired and in pain I am. I chance a look at her before I walk into the bedroom and I see the worried expression that she tries so hard to hide but I also see the love she has for me. It's that look that brings a calm over me that I've only felt with her. A calm that I will only ever feel with her.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: This chapter is a little sad but needed to take the women where they need to go.**

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I sigh as I look through the apartment again. I am trying to find my paperwork from the hospital and my latest doctor visit but I can't. I remember seeing Alex clean up the other day and she had a handful of papers but I'm not sure if they are mine or if it was some of hers. If she said anything to me I don't remember it and I can't call her right now because she was called into an emergency meeting at work. The HR Department has called and asked that I fax them the information that I have so I can be set up on long-term disability.

"Fuck" I say out loud as I run my fingers through my hair. Why did they have to call when she was called away?

I stand in the middle of the hallway and take a deep breath to calm myself. Once I feel my heartbeat slow down I start to think about everything she did that day. She had cleaned the kitchen and stepped out with a handful of papers that was on the table. She stopped to talk to me and then she walked down the hallway to her office. Oh man the papers are in her office. I'm frustrated with myself even more now for not thinking about it to begin with.

I stop outside the closed door and debate whether or not to enter. I had never invaded her space before when she wasn't here and I don't want to start now. Desperate times calls for desperate measures and I have no choice but to enter her office and pray that the paperwork I need is in there.

I open the door slowly and step in as quietly as possible. As I scan the room I can't help but laugh as it reminds me of when I would clear a house. I think the only thing I didn't do in this scenario is reach for my weapon before entering the room. I hope this accident has toyed with my reaction and thought process of the job. Then again I am at home and have no reason to sneak around like I would on the job.

My eyes land on a stack of papers and I can only hope they are the ones I need. I make my way through her office and begin to go through the papers. There are the normal utility bills and credit card bills that everyone has. I see a few piece of papers with notes for a case she is or was working on along with a brief that is written out. As I move those out of the way I come across our divorce papers that are waiting to be signed.

I feel as if someone has reached into my chest and began squeezing my heart. I gasp for air as the room starts to spin and I reach for her chair to sit down before I pass out. This is the first time I have actually seen the divorce papers. We had discussed dissolving our marriage several times but I refused to be the one to file. I told her if she wanted it she would have to file it herself after all it was her fault we were discussing it.

I reach forward with shaking hands and pull the documents from the pile and began reading them. The first few papers is the normal legal jargon needed. I honestly believe that the first three papers of any legal document was designed to give the attorney the ability to charge triple. I flip the page to the distribution of assets and I almost drop the paperwork.

She had it written up to where she would buy out my portion of the apartment that we had bought together to the sum of two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. I was to receive what was in our joint savings account and the right to use her beach house, which had been in her family for generations, as often as I liked. What really caught my eye was the fact that I was to receive a monthly alimony check in the sum of a thousand dollars. An amount that was to be reevaluated every five years and increased if the cost of living had increased as well. She was in a sense giving me everything.

"Olivia"

I drop the papers and turn quickly only to grab my sides as pain shoots through me. I had been so intent on reading the divorce papers that I not heard her come home. I can't help but wonder how long had she been there. I look up at her as she walks toward me and I can see the pain swirling in her eyes.

"Why do you have the divorce papers?" She asks me as she squats down in front of me and picks them up off the ground. She flips through them before she hands them back to me. "Why are you going through them?"

I accept the papers as I glance from them to her and back. I am too shocked to really say anything till I hear the next set of words that come out of her mouth.

"Are you wanting to sign them?"

"What?" I ask as I jerk my head up and over to look at her.

"You are in the office, my office, going over the divorce papers." She says as she stands and tries to discretely wipe the tears from her eyes "I'm asking you if you want to sign them."

"No God No" I finally say as everything starts to seep in.

"Then I will ask again why do you have the divorce papers?"

"I was looking for the paperwork my doctor gave us for HR and I remembered you walking in here with a stack of papers. I was looking through the papers trying to find them when I came across our divorce papers. I had never asked you to let me see them so I was reading them."

"I destroyed you and your world when I cheated." She says in a soft voice. "It was only fair that I bought the apartment from you, because I knew you wouldn't want it, and paid you a monthly alimony check. You never gave me any input so I did what I thought was correct."

She takes them from my hands and flips through them herself. It is then that I can tell how upset she is by the shaking of her hands. She closes them quickly and I watch her chest shake as she takes a deep breath in. She is on the verge of breaking down but is trying her best to remain strong. I am about to open my mouth when she speaks and I feel my heart and existence shatter.

"I will admit that I do not want the divorce but I will not fight you if you still want it. At the very least I owe you that. If you want something changed I will have it changed but the monetary factors will remain the same. So you tell me what you want."

"I want to shred them." I tell her as I stand and close the gap between us "or burn them, I don't really care which one, but I don't want them here in this house any longer."

A sob escapes her throat as she completely breaks down and I wrap my arms around her. This moment shows me that we still have long way to go but holding her in my arms is a reminder that it will be a battle worth fighting.


	15. Chapter 15

I am so nervous I feel as if my heart is about to beat out of my chest as I straighten imaginary wrinkles out of my dress. I have to remind myself to breath and not pace our living room floor while I wait for her to come out of the room. I close my eyes as I inhale and exhale slowly while I mentally count to ten. I clench and unclench my hands to keep them from shaking so bad. God, I'm acting like a teenage boy waiting on his crush to come out for their first date but Lord knows this is not our first date and I am far from a teenage boy.

I stop and glance in the mirror by the door and fix my already perfectly placed blonde hair. My eyes dart up as I see the reflection of my closed office door and I'm instantly taken back to the day I came home and found her in my office. I never gave it a second thought that she was in there until I stopped in the door and saw she was reading our divorce papers. I will admit that I was upset to see her with them but not nearly as upset as when I realized her hand was just an inch away from an ink pen. The thought of her signing the papers at that moment was almost too much for me to bare and it took all I had not to break down then.

By some miracle and years of experience in the courtroom I had managed to maintain my composure when I told her I wouldn't fight her on the divorce if she still wanted it. The seconds of silence that followed were probably the longest of my life other than the night I told her of the one night stand. When she stood and told me that she wanted them shredded or burned and she didn't care which one as long as they weren't in the house any more was music to my ears. I had opened my mouth to tell her how much I loved her but instead a sob escaped and all the emotions I had been keeping buried finally escaped from within. The feel of her arms around me and the soothing sound of her voice only intensified my emotions instead of calming them.

"Alex"

Her voice rips me from my thoughts and I spin on my heels to look at her and a smile crosses my face. She is absolutely gorgeous in a pair of charcoal slacks, a black turtleneck sweater and matching coat to her pants. She is wearing a simple pair of black boots with a belt to match. Her recently cut short hair is slightly spiked and highlighted like it was when we first started dating. I want nothing more than to guide her back to the bedroom and strip her from her clothing and make love to her till we are too exhausted to move. But as badly as I want to feel her naked skin beneath me, I won't and can't do that.

"Alex"

"Sorry" I say smiling as I shake my head and close the gap between us "You look so good, I lost my train of thought."

"I don't see how that is possible since this outfit shows how much weight I have lost and doesn't fit me the way it used to."

I run my hand up and down the lapels of her jacket as I inhale her scent. It is just as intoxicating as the first time and I have to fight the urge to back her up against the wall. I can't help but laugh when I realize not only am I acting like a teenage boy on their first date but I apparently have the hormones of one now. Then again who can blame me I am married to one of, if not, the hottest detective on the force.

"The fact that the suit doesn't fit you like it used demonstrates what a survivor you are." I tell her as I place a chaste kiss on her lips "Besides it doesn't matter how great you look in the suit its about how great it looks on our bedroom floor later."

The dilation of her eyes and unconscious licking of her lips lets me know that she is as turned on with the thought of us making love as I am. The sudden clenching of her jaw reminds us both that she still isn't cleared for sexual activity and we can't make love. Before she can become too depressed over that thought I motion for us to leave and she quickly follows me.

As we walk down the hallway to the elevator, I feel her hand on the small of my back and I close my eyes to the warmth that courses through my body. When we stop she doesn't remove her hand off my back as she leans forward and pushes the down arrow. As she straighten back up she steps closer to me and rakes her eyes up and down my body. I can feel my heart rate increase and my breathing become shallow just by her look.

"I didn't tell you how beautiful you look," She says as she turns to face me "You're absolutely stunning and I love you in that dress."

"Thank you" I whisper as I once again lean over and place a kiss on her cheek just as the doors ding open.

I start to motion for her to enter when she gives me a look that I know all so well. In the entire time we were dating and married she never once went ahead of me unless it was a safety issue and she's not about to start now. She maybe injured and still recovering but its more than obvious that she is still going to treat me like a queen. There is no doubt in my mind that she will be taking her dying breath still making sure I am treated like a queen. Let's just add that to the list of reasons of why I should be on my knees groveling till I die.

"You still haven't told me where we are going." She tells me as the door slides open and we prepare to step out of the elevator "You just asked that I dress nice and with a jacket."

"That my love is because its called a surprise" I answer as I step through the door that she is holding open and smile at the limo driver who is waiting at the bottom of the stairs. I know she is probably going to be upset because I have ordered a driver for the evening but this is one time I don't care. I want to spoil her in ways she never allowed me before. I want to spoil her in ways that I should have been doing all along and in ways that I will continue to do until they lay me in the ground.

She looks from me to the limo and then back at me. I am waiting for her to say something but instead she leans over and kisses me gently on the lips before offering me her hand. She guides me to the car and helps me in it before following me into it. The driver shuts the door and I finally exhale the breath I had been holding and look at her with questioning eyes.

"If we are going to fix us and make this work we each have things that we need to change." She says as she laces her fingers with mine before leaning back against the seat and relaxing "I can spend the precious time I have with you arguing over riding in a limo or I can simply enjoy spending that time with you. Personally, I've learned its more important to spend time together than to argue over trivial things."

I fight back tears as I lay my head on her shoulder and relax into her embrace. I never thought there would be a day that I would be thanking the lord above for her being injured but today I am. The accident may have almost taken her life but it has given us something greater. It has given us the greatest gift it could, a chance to fall in love all over again.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: I know I have not updated any of my stories and I am so sorry. These past eight weeks have been a little rough and I had to focus on writing a paper a week. In truth this update came when I was suppose to be writing my paper for this week. oops. I hope in a two weeks when I am done with this class I can be back on regular updates. To everyone who is hanging in there with me thank you from the bottom of my heart.**

* * *

I step out of the limo and quickly survey my surroundings. I feel my stomach plummet when I realize I am standing in front of Per Se. One of the leading five star restaurants with different views of Central Park. I remember there were several times that she had mentioned trying this restaurant when it first opened but I constantly blew her off. Not necessarily blew her off but refused to go with her and insisted she make it a girls night with some of her friends. It's not that I don't appreciate the finer things in life because I do but this is her life not mine. I turn to talk her out of eating here when I see the look on her face.

She is looking at me with apprehension and I realize how badly she is fearing my refusal. It is at this moment I realize how badly I have hurt her over the years. I knew when I married her that I would have to integrate into her life and I fought it tooth and nail. It's not something that she asked of me daily or weekly but at the very least monthly. How many couple dinners had she attended without me? How many times had she told them I was called into work when I was really at home? Why didn't I just put on a nice suit place a smile on my face and escorted her like I should have.

"I'm sorry" she whispers as she motions for the driver to stop before he gets too far away.

"For what" I say as I offer her my arm "I've heard nothing but rave reviews about Per Se so let's see if they are right."

The smile that crosses her face when she takes my arm is more than worth any discomfort I am about to experience. We are almost to the door when she stops me and pulls me to the side.

"I know how much you hate places like this and I'm sorry to have brought you here." She says as she adjusts the lapels of my jacket "I appreciate it the gesture of you forcing yourself to go through with it but you don't have too."

I smile at her as I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me. I lower my lips to hers and place a gentle but loving kiss on them before I pull back to stare into her crystal blue eyes.

"I've denied you this experience for far too long." I tell her as I brush my fingers through her hair "I knew when I started dating you and asked you to marry me that I had to step into this society at some point. I should have done this long before now and I am so sorry that I haven't. Starting now, I will no longer deny you this."

"You don't have…"

"I do and I should have already" I whisper as I place my finger on her lips to silence her.

She stares at me for a moment longer before she accepts what I am offering and allows me to lead her to the door. I open it and allow her to enter before following her. I suddenly feel as if I am being smothered by the air around the restaurant and I fight the urge to turn and leave. Instead I step closer to Alex and place my hand on the small of her back. The instant contact with her brings me some peace and the encouragement I need to follow through with this.

"I have reservations under Benson." She tells the maître de as she leans into my touch.

I feel my blood boil as I watch his eyes travel up and down her body. I clench my fist to fight the urge to knock him across the room. Before I have a chance to pull my fist back she leans up and kisses me on the check before placing her left hand on my chest so that her wedding set is visible.

"Can you make sure we have a private table in the back. My wife and I would like to be uninterrupted tonight." She tells him as she lays her head on my chest.

It takes all I have not to laugh at the look that crosses his face. It's a look that I often see when men approach her and she kindly tells them she's married, to me. They never expect her to be gay much less married to a woman by the likes of me. I actually find it amusing to watch their face fall when they realize it too.

"Stop gloating and come on" She whispers to me as she kisses me once again and begins to follow the maître de.

I shake my head and quickly follow behind her enjoying the view that I see. I cock my head a little to the left and unconsciously lick my lips as I watch her ass sway with every step. I am so enthralled with what I am watching and that I don't realize she has stopped and I almost run into her.

I step around her and reach for her chair before he has a chance to pull it out for her. I know its their job and he is only being polite but I have always pulled her chair out for her. Even when we were separated and she stopped at the precinct I would pull her chair out.

I make sure she is situated before I take my seat across from her and no sooner than I have sat down she has my hands in hers.

"You ok?"

"I'm starting to hurt a little but its not as bad as it has been." I tell her as I rub the back of her hands with my thumb.

"If it starts to be too much let me know and we will cut this short."

"Yes ma'am" I say with a hint of laughter in my voice as I give her a mock salute. I know she is worried about me and I appreciate it but for right now I want her to enjoy herself. I want to see the smile on her face that I failed to put there the last few years. Honestly if that takes me being in some pain it is more than worth it.


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: I'm slowly starting to get back to writing. Next up is hopefully Private Dancer. The muse has been rolling around on that one so let's all pray that she focuses on that story next. Once again I'm sorry for the delay and I hope everyone enjoys.**

* * *

I grab the check before she has a chance to reach for it. I normally wouldn't mind her looking at the bill when we go out to eat but considering that this dinner is close to seven hundred dollars I'm scared of what she will say. I quickly place my credit card in the pouch and hand it to the waiter before I turn my attention back to her.

"Alex"

"This is my treat." I say with a smile as I reach for her hand once again. The need to simply touch her has become so great that it's hard to control myself at times. "Please"

"I won't argue with you" She tells me as she smiles one of the sweetest smiles I have ever seen "I'm sorry for not giving you this before."

I raise up slightly and lean forward. I cup the right side of her face and tenderly caress it as I bring her lips to mine. The kiss is gentle, loving, and so out of character for the two of us. Because of the inherit dangers of her job we have always refrained from public displays of affection of this manner. I'm amazed that she hasn't stopped me or scanned the crowd first and I'm thankful. I only end the kiss when I spot the waiter coming towards us out of the corner of my eye.

"I don't think I've ever told you enough on how much I love you." She says to me as I take the check and sign it quickly adding a nice tip for the waiter.

My heart melts all over again hearing her declaration of love for me and it takes all I have not to tear up some. When the hell did I ever become so emotional. I swallow past the lump in my throat and take a deep breath to calm my racing heart.

"That goes both ways my love" I finally say and I can see by the flicker of concern in her eyes that I wasn't able to hide my turmoil of emotions as well as I thought "Are you ready?"

She stands as quickly as she can and is by my side assisting me to my feet. As we walk through the restaurant she places her hand on the small of my back and guides me through until we are standing outside. I am about to motion to our driver when she tells me she wants to walk through the park for a few. I consider for a moment telling her no because I am so worried she is overdoing it but one look into her chocolate brown eyes and I'm done for and nod in agreement.

I slide my hand through her arm that she has offered me and we silently begin walking through Central Park. I am so at peace and happy just to be doing such a simple event with her that I can't help but wonder when and why did we ever stop this.

"This reminds me of our first date." She says breaking the silence as she stops at an ice cream stand that is on the walk way "Do you remember?"

"How can I ever forget" I say laughing "We had spent the better part of a month trying to coordinate our first date but the criminals would never allow it."

"The best I could do was show up just as you were leaving one night and give you a walk through the park."

"As I recall it involved dinner as well."

"Alex, sandwiches bought at the local diner that is premade and pre wrapped does not account for a proper dinner date."

"No but simply spending time with me and talking to me about something other than work does." I tell her as I lean forward and place another quick kiss on her cheek "If you want to know the honest to God truth that was probably the best first date I had ever had in my life. It was simply two people spending time together trying to get to know each other. There was no expectation of a fancy restaurant, having to buy the best outfit, and overall being uncomfortable."

"I won't argue with you it was a stress free date." She says as she walks up to the vendor and orders two ice cream cones both chocolate and vanilla mix. "As I recall I did have the chance to buy you this desert as well before my phone went off and I had to once again leave."

I laugh at the memory of how pissed she had looked when her phone rang as she handed me her ice cream cone. The conversation was short and the fear in her eyes was prominent when she looked at me and said that she was being called away. I had tried my best to settle her fear when I told her that she would have to wait for the second date to watch me make a pig of myself with ice cream. I could see the fear instantly melt away and a genuine smile cross her face as I told her that.

"Maybe we can finish that first date?" She says as she hands me the exact ice cream she had ordered and pulled me from my thoughts.

I take the ice cream from her and we set off again walking in silence. We had never had a need to talk constantly when we were around each other and I enjoy that more than anyone will ever know. We are almost to the lake when a sound pulls me from my thoughts and I realize she is slightly dragging her leg. I don't think she realizes it but she does that now when she becomes overly tired or has over extended herself.

"Liv let's have a seat" I say as I see an open bench and start to guide her that way. Once we are seated I place my hand on her thigh and leave it there. We watch the children run around the pond and feed the ducks that are there. There is so much laughter and happiness in front of us I can't help but let my mind allow myself to think this is what it would be like if we had children. It is a thought that sends shiver through my body.

I am pulled from my thoughts when I feel her stand next to me and I am about to ask her to sit longer when I realize that she has stood to take her jacket off. She leans forward and drapes it over my shoulders before sitting back down and wrapping her arm around me. I lay my head on her shoulder and close my eyes. This is the relationship we had in the beginning, this is the relationship I had wanted toward the end, and this is the relationship I want till I'm lowered into my grave. I know without a shadow of a doubt this is the relationship we are re-establishing and in the end it will be stronger than ever before and nothing will be able to break us apart again.


	18. Chapter 18

I am sitting on the couch nervous as I can be. I have finally been released from the doctor and can go back to moderate desk duty. Which in my language means I will be losing my mind while the guys get to have all the fun. It's not ideal but it will at least get me out of the house and working again. I have enjoyed being at home, well at Alex's, and reconnecting with her but I am not made to just sit at home. I hope Alex understands this when I tell her that I am released. My rambling thoughts are brought to a halt as I hear her key in the door.

"Hey honey" I hear her say as she shrugs her shoulders out of her jacket and hangs it up. "I'm sorry I missed your doctor's appointment this afternoon, what did they say?"

I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. I was hoping that she would wait or forget but I knew better. She had always been blunt and to the point. It was one of the things that has made her such a great lawyer. It was also one of the things that lead to our demise as well.

I stand and turn to face her "He said I'm cleared for duty, well moderate desk duty at least."

As soon as the words are out of my mouth I see the worry cross her face. I hate myself so much that I am in a career that she has to worry about me constantly. I also can't help but wonder why has she fought so hard for me if I cause her so much pain.

"When will you return to work?" She asks as she takes a step closer to me.

"Next week." I struggle to answer seeing the pain she's trying to hide.

"Ok so over the weekend we need to go to your apartment and get your suits and whatever else you will need for work." She tells me with a smile crossing her face. "It's been a long time since I've seen you in one of them and personally I can't wait to see you in one again."

I shake my head in confusion. "Well this is the opposite of what I was expecting from you."

"And when have I ever done what you expected me to do?" She asks as she wraps her arms around my shoulders and pulls me to her "Am I worried? Yes, I am. Am I going to stop you from doing what you love, what is a part of you? Never."

I can't help but smile and place a quick kiss on her lips. I wrap my hands around her miniature waist, in comparison to mine, and let my hands settle at the small of her back. If there was music playing I would start swaying with her in my arms. I'm realizing that I'm falling more and more in love with her every day and it terrifies me more than the first time.

"I was thinking instead of moving my clothes over here I would just go back to my apartment." I tell her unable to look at her because in truth the last thing I want to do is leave. Despite how far we've come we've never discussed me moving back in. "The doctor has released me so I can stay on my own and I'm sure you can't wait to get your apartment back."

"I don't want an empty apartment to come home to Liv." She tells me as she pulls back some so she can look at me "I want you here. That's the one constant that has remained other than my love for you. Even on the nights Shane was here I wanted you here, not her. Please don't think you have to leave because I'll be honest I want nothing more than to call a moving company and buy out your lease."

I can't help but laugh as I hear her tell me how much she wants me here. It's refreshing to know that I am wanted that much in every way possible. "Alex, I want to stay here, I do. But I don't think we're ready for that."

She throws her head back and laughs as she pulls me closer to her. I can feel her body relax against mine and I can't help but smile knowing I can bring her that type of peace.

"In case you've forgotten you've shared my bed for the last few months while you've been recovering."

"That was different" I say as I step away from her and run my hands through my hair. I turn away from her and my eyes fall upon our wedding picture. I can't help but smile as I walk over to it. After a few minutes of staring at it I turn back to face her "I want to replace that picture with a new."

She cocks her head to the side and raises an eyebrow at me. She knows me well enough to know that if she doesn't question me at the moment I will open up to her.

"With a picture of us renewing our vows and recommitting ourselves to one another." I finally say once I've figured out how to word what I want to say "I don't think me moving back in and immediately sharing your bed"

"Our bed"

"Our bed is the right thing to do." I walk back toward her as I look her up and down not bothering to hide the desire I feel for her at that moment. Hell every moment of every day "Now that I am feeling better and I am able to do more, lying next to you at night is one of the hardest things I've had to do. It has nothing to do with what has happened it has to do with the fact that I want to make love to you so bad that it hurts." I reach out and take her hands in mine "we've come too far to mess it up by jumping in the bed."

She leans forward and captures my lips in hers and traces my lips with her tongue. I instantly part them and allow her the entrance she desires and before I can stop myself I have pulled her closer to me. I can feel the love she has for me in the kiss and it takes my breath away. Just when I start to feel as if I am going to pass out from the lack of oxygen she pulls away.

"Just so you know it's not easy on me either but I do understand where you are coming from and what you are saying. So do you think you could stay in the guest room at least or do you really feel as if you need to be out of here and back in your apartment?"

"I guess I need to spend tomorrow working on what will be my room and we can go on Saturday and bring what I need over." I tell her as I cup her face with my hands and bring her lips to mine for a gentle kiss once more. The sigh that escapes her mouth tells me I've made the right decision and my heart is telling me it's the best decision I could have ever made. The only question that is lingering in my mind is can we overcome what destroyed us before? My job.

 **A/N: Now it's time to mix work and life in while trying to rebuild the relationship. Will their relationship continue to strengthen or will it crumble as before and the divorce papers will finally be signed? (No they haven't been destroyed yet.) Don't hate me yet you never know where I will take you on this roller coaster ride.**


	19. Chapter 19

I grimace in pain as I walk the hallway to our door. I have only been back on duty for a month now and a major case has hit. I have stayed past my allotted time at the precinct and spent the majority of it on my feet going up and down stairs. I know I will pay for it tomorrow more than I am right now and possibly more than I will when I walk through the door and face Alex. Finally taking a deep breath and preparing for a fight I slide my key in and slowly open the door.

"You're home early" I hear as I walk in and my eyes land on her. She looks so beautiful sitting on the couch in my t shirt watching one of her mind numbing shows as I call it.

"I'm over three hours late." I point out biting my inner lip as I take a step.

I can see the concern flash though her eyes when she realizes I'm in pain. Before I can even tell her I'm ok she is by my side and assisting my to my chair. The thought of sitting down and propping my legs up is the best thought I think I have ever had.

"Did you eat or did you ignore that too like the signs to rest your body."

"Alex, I have a job to do and sometimes it requires me to work long hours. What do you expect?"

"I expect you to slowly work your way back in to your 48 hour straight days not try to jump right back in." She tells me as she squats down in front of my and runs her hands up my legs. "Do I want to yell at you and tell you to stop working yourself so hard. Yes, I do. But I also know this is the person you are and you will always be so it will be like beating a dead horse. What I do want is for you to take your time and allow yourself to finish healing."

"The doctor released me so I am …"

"The doctor released you to moderate light duty not on your damn feet all day. You're trying to jump right in the deep end and the only thing that is going to do is set you back. Honey I don't want to go back and I can't go back. I refuse to go back."

"I never asked you to step up in the first place." I bite out pushing her away and struggling to stand "As for working late this is my job. I can't sit at home while there is someone out there with a child doing god knows what to them."

I turn to head back out the door trying my best not to fall over my own two feet. I can barely lift my right leg because the pain is so bad but I have to leave and couldn't tell you why. Before I can make it to the door to leave she is there blocking my way. Which only serves to fuel my anger.

"No I didn't have to step up" she says as she stands firmly in place "I could have walked away or never even bothered to show up when I got the call but I did because I love you. And I didn't just tell you to stop doing your job, I only asked that you worked yourself up to what you use to do."

I stand there breathing hard feeling my anger boil. I know she's right and that pisses me off further. I go to open my mouth to argue when she steps aside and opens the door.

"Go" She says in a voice that is full of pain "If you want to leave so bad or feel you have to leave then go. I will not hold you back and I certainly won't stop you."

I take a minute to look at her before I head toward the door and walk out. I refuse to look back as I hear the door shut behind me. I start to walk toward the elevator when the full effect of what I have just done hits me. I lean against the wall and take a few deep breaths before I turn back. I'm pretty sure I deserve the award for the biggest ass to walk the earth right now.

I slowly open the door and peak inside not sure if I'm welcomed anymore at this point. I swallow hard when I find her leaning against the couch tears silently pouring out of her eyes and that is my undoing.

"Alex" I cry as tears begin to fall from my eyes as well. I have once again managed to hurt this beautiful woman. "I'm sorry, oh God I'm sorry."

I lean against the wall as my legs give out and I start to slide toward the floor. Before I know it I am wrapped in her as she catches me.

"Shh, I have you" she soothes as she kisses my forehead. "It's ok."

"You don't deserve this. Why don't you just let me leave. It's obvious I'm going to hurt you again."

"I don't let you leave because I love you and I will fight for you till I you give me no reason not too." She whispers into my ear. "No relationship is all roses Liv, we're going to hurt each other from time to time. We're going to fight and we're going to be mad at each other. What determines how strong this relationship is, is whether or not we can overcome that argument and move on."

She sits down next to me and pull me against her. "If you had listened when you came in I had only said I wished you would work your way up to your old ways. You've suffered a major trauma and are still recovering whether you want to believe it or not. I know you could never come home and sleep when there is a child out there in need of your help and I would never expect you too. But honey, for right now you have too. You can't be the super detective putting everyone else first right now. Right now you have to realize you have to come first and I know that is killing you more than anything.

I can only nod in agreement as a pain shoots through me when I go to move my leg.

"Now let me help you up and in bed. I'll bring you something to eat and your pain meds." She says as she stands "I don't want to hear anything about the pain meds either you need them tonight."

I chuckle as I let her help me back to my feet and to her bedroom. I start to say something and I realize she needs me in here tonight just as much as I need to be in here tonight. She needs the reassurance that I'm still here the same as I need from her.


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: I know this chapter has been a long time coming and my deepest apologies. I will be honest with everyone I had to put my pug, my baby, of 13 years to sleep in the beginning of September and honestly haven't been in the mood for anything. I sat down to make it through another paper for school which is 20% of my grade and wound up writing this. Now hopefully my muse will feel like writing the paper that is due in a few days.**

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I'm sitting on the couch when you finally wake up and comes out of the bedroom. It is almost eleven in the morning and I know you are probably upset that you failed to wake up. It's not that I didn't try because I did but every time you pleaded for me to let you rest. After the third attempt I quietly slipped out of the room and called Cragen to let him know. He didn't seem surprised that you wouldn't make it and asked me to tell you to take as long as you need.

"Hey" you say as you lean down and place a kiss on my head "Did you sleep well?"

I raise my head and study your face. There's a part of me that is terrified that you will be disappointed that I didn't force you awake and send you to work. Then there's a part of me that is terrified that this is what will cause you to walk away from me no matter how irrational that thought is. Then there is the bigger part that can't help but breathe a sigh of relief because you actually seem happy that you're not at work.

"Honey, are you ok?"

I shake my head and bring myself back to the present "I'm fine" I mumble as I sit my file down and start to stand and walk to the kitchen "Are you hungry?"

"I'm starving but that doesn't answer my question." She says as she follows me into the kitchen "Are you ok? You have a look on your face and its scaring me. Do I need to leave?"

I spin on my heels and face her quickly "There's the door, I'm not stopping you."

"And you're not pushing me to it either so what gives?"

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before speaking the words that have been running through my mind all morning "I'm waiting on you to hate me because I didn't wake you for work. I'm waiting for you to tell me you are going to shower and go in. I'm waiting for you to silently walk away pissed off like you tend to do and go to work."

She collapses against the counter and I can't help but reach for her scared that her leg has given out or her back is still hurting her. I internally berate myself for snapping on her knowing that she wasn't fully healed yet. When I look at her I see the truth and the pain in her eyes. I realize this is the first time she is fully aware of her actions. It's not because she's ignored them or me but because I have never truly told her how I felt.

"Listen" I start to say but I'm stopped when she places a finger on my lips.

"I've done that plenty of times haven't I?" She asks as she stands and pulls me against her "How many times have I walked out and left you standing there? How many times have I taken a shower and gone to work when we both knew I could have stayed home?"

"Don't" I whisper trying to stop her from forcing us to face what we both need to face. What we have to face to move on.

"Don't what, point out a fact that has slowly destroyed us." you state as you pull back and smiles at me "We already opened up wounds last night and I think we need to finish cleaning them so they can heal."

I want to fight you on it but I know you're right. We have to face this so that we can move forward well actually farther then what we are at the moment. To be honest we need to face it to become the couple we always appeared to be.

"I'll get us some coffee" I tell you as I guide you to the kitchen table and motion for you to sit down. I can't help but wonder how many of these conversations we can have before we destroy what we are building up. Then on the flip side I can't help but wonder how many more of these conversations we have to have as well. I'm not sure which one I'm dreading more.

"I always went to work because that was the one place and thing I was sure of" She tells me as I sit her cup down and take the seat across from her. "There was no doubting myself or my choices when I walked into the precinct or on my way there. Here I had nothing but constant doubts. Why did you love me? Why were you with me? When were you going to realize you could do better and walk out?"

"Olivia"

"That's what I was expecting every time we fought. Every time I walked in that door, after leaving when I shouldn't have, I was expecting to see my stuff packed and ready to go. When it wasn't I was shocked and equally terrified. My line of thinking wasn't fair to you, to me, and it certainly wasn't fair to us. I should have never kept it from you and for that I will be forever sorry."

I wipe the tears that are slowly falling from my eyes and reach for her hands "Ever heard the saying it takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to destroy it."

You nod as you bring my hand to your lips and place a kiss on the knuckles.

"I never stopped you and told you how I felt. How it made me feel when you left like that. I never opened up to you when you walked back in either. I simply opened my arms and welcomed you back. I never wanted to fight with you because I am never sure if that will be our last conversation. I live in fear that one day Cragen will tell me that some thug took your life. Because of that I bite my tongue and avoid saying what needs to be said."

"Ironically it was a car accident that almost took me" you say laughing some with a smile of disbelief on your face "Even though I am far from religious I would have to say that would be God's way of saying stop living in fear of my job and for you to be honest to me. While at the same time telling me to stop believing that I'm not good enough for you and that you deserve better. Above all that I am loveable and people do love me."

I can't help but laugh at the truth in your words. The accident was the eye opener we needed for so many things. I'm not sure if you realize it but it has shown me how madly in love I am with you and how I continue to fall for you even more every day. Most importantly it was the eye opener that showed us how much we still needed each other.

You lean forward and cup my face with your hands and whisper no more secrets. I can only nod before your lips are on mine and I feel that familiar fire start to engulf my body. A fire that only have ever and will ever ignite. A fire I can't wait for you to take control of once again.


End file.
